Dating Colorado

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Reddit Personals - r4r - 300,000+ - Activity Partners, Groups, Dating, Hanging Out, Soulmates, FWBs

2010.04.02 06:49 cinsere Reddit Personals - r4r - 300,000+ - Activity Partners, Groups, Dating, Hanging Out, Soulmates, FWBs

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2017.04.22 05:02 collapsing_em_fields Land Mobile Radio Systems: a subreddit for conventional and trunked LMR systems discussions

A subreddit for the discussion of LMRS technologies, news, and manufacturer products.
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2020.09.18 07:57 IrocDewclaw Kinda fits here. Customers who changed your life.

I want to know if a customer ever totally changed your perception of the world.
So me 1st I guess.
This is gonna be long, so buckle in.
The date is somewhere in the 1970s and I'm in my Jr year of highschool and pull a teacher for my American Lit class everyone has warned me about. A Mr. ****
Now Mr **** is known to be an old school hard ass, but also a....character in 1970s terms, suspected looks around Gay.
A small man, about 5' 5-6" and 135-140lbs Mr **** a sharp dresser, from 1950, and very refined. Think, English Butler crossed with Southern Plantation mint julip drinking pretentious Gentleman slight in size and a little effeminate in nature.
The girls loved him...safe, we guessed. Guys hated him....worried, and unsure I guess.
His curriculum consists of several reports of college level work with full footnotes and sources, about 3 a quarter.... And my favorite....100 word spelling tests every Friday.
I hated this man.
During all this misery I was forced to endure, I had to listen to how much fun this jerk was having with his "friend" Bobby. So many Bobby stories. Bobby had been his friend since grade school. Bobby was so much fun they did so many fun things together. Bobby was successful and took him on trips and had been his friend forever.
Ok, we get it. You got a boyfriend named Bobby.
(I couldn't have been more mistaken)
I was forced in his class both my jr and senior yrs of Highschool. I hated his class, but passed , graduated and went on with my life...No more Bullshit, no more Mr. ****
Started College, took a few jobs after high school to, you know...pay bills.
Jump ahead about 2 yrs and I'm working as a bartender in an local Italian Restaurant, still new and slowly being introduced to each regular when they come in, cause hey, treat these guys better cause they buy alot of booze sort of thing.
One night I'm introduced to a regular who've I've yet to encounter....and its Mr ****. Oh! Shit. I hate this guy.
Of course he remembers me as a former student and asks stuff you'd expect to be asked by a former teacher, how you been? Whats happened since school?...ect
Over the next few months though, I get to know Mr **** a little better. Karl (yea thats his real name, really Mods @ this point it doesn't matter I used his name) turns out Karl happens to be a really nice guy, fun to talk to and have at my bar. Many, many stories of his times growing up, many including his friend Bobby. You remember him right?
Then Karl disappears, gone for several weeks.
He doesn't come in the bar, no one has seen him.
Then one busy Friday night, a big black stretch limo pulls up to the front door of the restaurant and the driver gets out to let his passengers out .
I watch as 2 of ....uh...2 women of very high class status climb out....followed by....Karl? They walk into the bar area.
Now, I'm not stupid. I've seen women of....questionable means before, but these girls were of the $10k a night questionable means. Their shoes cost more then I made a month. The Fur coats...I'd have mortgage my house. We are talking BIG BIG BIG money here.
The girls head to the ladies room, Karl comes up to the bar. Orders his usual and a couple Old Fashions for the ladies.
I'm curious as hell, but try and play it cool.
"Missed ya Karl, been a few weeks"
Yea was on vacation, took a trip.
"Really? Where'd ya go?"
"Well, Bobby and I actually went white water rafting down the Colorado River"
"Really Karl? That sounds like fun."
"Yea it really was, rafting then camping along the river you should go sometime .'
Silence
Silence
"Damn it Karl! What the fuck? You don't just pull in here in a limo and 2 hi class hookers without and explanation!"
"Whats with the girls? I thought you are gay!"
Karl looks at me, and a smile crosses his face.... "I'm not gay, tho I've heard that before. I'm as straight as you are."
The limo, the girls, they were a gift from Bobby for being his friend and spending a couple weeks together.
Me: "Really? I always just assumed you were gay and Bobby and you were a couple."
Karl with a grin on his face asks me if I'd like to see a picture of him and Bobby. So hell yea.
He pulls a picture out and hands it to me. Its the 2 of them, arms around their shoulders in front of their raft and the Colorado river.
It takes a second.....a couple of looks......it can't....no...I look at Karl and he reaches out and turns over the picture. On the back is hand written:
To my longest and dearest friend. Bobby. Under that a signature that matched the picture
Robert Redford.
I don't know what got me thinking of this other then realizing just how much of an actual influence on my perception of people this man had on me. It was a shame just how long it took me to realize his influence.
I wondered what happened to Karl over the yrs and a google search proved my fears.
Karl passed several years ago and tho I hadn't seen him in yrs it hit me in the feels to see he was gone.
I don't know if he was telling me the truth but the memory of the Character of the man I knew doesn't allow me to think otherwise.
Finally, just in case the very rare Chance of Mr Redford or someone from his staff seeing this....
If true, Please relay my condolences to Mr Redford on the loss of his dear friend . He touched more lives then he knew, and influenced more then he expected.
He is truly missed.
submitted by IrocDewclaw to TalesFromYourServer [link] [comments]


2020.09.18 07:52 Disastrous_Horse_44 Ghosted after dating for a year and half...

THIS IS LONG BUT TRULY WEIRD! Part two is funny and I will post soon.
This is baffling to me even right now, happened early July. To give you some background, I met this guy through Bumble and we talked for like a month and a half before we met in person. He was super shy when we met (I am super not, friends describe me as awkwardly charming and chatty) but had the most beautiful smile, there was just something about him that made me want to continue to see him. I don’t think he said more than five things the entire time we were there - a Mexican restaurant for dinner but I was so nervous that I downed two Dos Equis (as did he) and filled up on chips and salsa - I also had learned from experience that it might be really, really awkward (as Bumble/Tindeetc.) app match dates can be, so I had eaten a light dinner ahead of our dinner date ha.
So we finish up and leave and he’s super sweet, wants to walk me to my car because it’s a huge parking lot and pretty dark. I had just gotten a new car (like three days prior) so I was still learning which car to look for, the car is a dark charcoal color, it’s dark outside, I was a little tipsy (I’m a cheap date) and I’m nervous/anxious because I don’t want to look like the total idiot I am starting to look like because guess who can’t find her car? I swear we walked every row around that complex (there were multiple restaurants clustered together, called Legacy for anyone in the DFW area) before I could find my car. For some reason the alarm button on my remote wouldn’t work, so I couldn’t set the car off and just easily find it. We walked that parking lot for at least 20 minutes, I was mortified. I felt so stupid!
On the way back to my apartment, I’m kind of laughing at myself and thinking about what a mess I am, and that I probably wouldn’t hear back from him but not even 20 minutes after our date ended, he texted me! He asked if I wanted to meet at a local sports bar to watch the Stars game (I’m a big hockey fan), to which I excitedly said yes.
Thus begins a cute relationship, he’s super sweet and kind of shy - the type of guy that seems like he’s been burned before by a previous relationship and a bit nervous to open up, no problem I’m patient. We went to the Dominican Republic together, Colorado (twice), Padre (twice), Austin, my family’s ranch, a few other spots that were meaningful. Our first big trip was to the Dominican, here is where I find out that he is a total dick when he drinks whiskey. In my experience, most men are total dicks when they drink whiskey. One or two drinks, cool no problem but more than that, guaranteed there will be a problem over nothing. He would get SO jealous over absolutely NOTHING. If he was drinking whiskey, it would get us in trouble. We went out to a bar with friends and there was a skee ball game, I was playing with a girlfriend while my boyfriend and his buddies were right behind us at the bar. My machine wasn’t really working, it would show a score but not the right one and then just turn off, whatever, I’m playing this game and having a good time right? Let me note it’s SUPER loud in this bar, like you had to yell at the person next to you to have a conversation - typically I hate bars like this but I was having fun and pretty tipsy and down for whatever. The manager walked over and put his hand on my back (not in a weird spot, like my shoulder) and leaned into my ear (because it was so loud) to tell me the skee ball machine I was on wasn’t working and gave me a few drink tickets as reimbursement. Boyfriend must have seen this interaction and gotten a VERY different impression. He walked up to me almost immediately after and said we should go somewhere else and I said okay, as we are walking out he says for me to go ahead with his friends that he’d be right there - he picked a fight with the manager of this very popular bar that we liked to go to all because of nothing.
I tell you this to give you some context of how exhausting the jealousy thing got. Another time, he came home from work and I was at his house (I work from home) and I had showered earlier and dried my hair and whatnot, I have really thick hair so I usually turn the shower head to the high pressure water setting to get conditioner out of my hair. Instead, boyfriend thinks this means I have had someone over to take a shower with? Because I had also done the laundry, like washed the sheets because guys never do that and it’s gross. So dumb.
Fast forward to May 2020. He goes on this annual bear hunt in Idaho with his best friend, basically they sit in below freezing temperatures eating survival packets of food waiting for a black bear that never comes. They went in 2019 for like 5 days I think? And boyfriend drove to a spot to get service every single night so he could call me and tell me they were okay and to tell me goodnight - his best friend he was hunting with didn’t even do this to check in with his wife! So I felt really blessed and thought I was really lucky to have found someone so thoughtful, yeah the jealousy thing was annoying but in time we could get past it, right? Wrong.
So this year at the bear hunt he told me he just didn’t have service and talked to me maybe three times total during their 10 day trip. They spent maybe 5 days total hunting and the rest of the trip getting wasted in local dive bars. Boyfriend is an Instagram addict and I can see he keeps logging in, it shows on the message part of Instagram when the person you messaged with was last “active.” So I call him out on it and ask what’s the deal, he says he just hasn’t had service but needs some space - again, I know he’s lying about having service but he asks for space and he’s on a guy trip so okay, I’ll respect that (but it’s just SO different from how he was last year on the same trip!). When he gets back, things are totally fine, he’s himself and sweet and we are good. Then Covid hit and he lost his job - a job frankly he hated and bitched about 24/7 so I thought it was a blessing in disguise. He was super committed to finishing the neighborhood he was working on and then was going to look for a new job, but now I figured he could find something else that he actually enjoyed and sooner! Hallelujah I don’t have to listen to him bitch about this job anymore, I was always supportive and listened but it was starting to wear on me.
Then it’s July. Boyfriends twin brother is getting married in another state. I have epilepsy and in the state of Texas, if you have a seizure you can’t drive for three months after. So my boyfriend had to do all of the driving, which was already pretty normal because 1. I’m a horrible driver and 2. He prefers to drive anyway - we go to the wedding in the other state, everything is great and we come back a couple days later. I don’t have my car so I need boyfriend to take me back to my place. But each time he was supposed to take me, something popped up or there was something going on, this went on for like a week. So we’d been together for nearly 18 days in a row at this point without a break, which was a lot for us. He also had a roommate and his best friend (the bear hunting married friend, who ended up divorced) was partially living at the house too. So I get it, it was a lot of people under one small, very old roof. I could have ubered home, but it was going to be like $100 and money it really tight right now for me. My friends were all working and I was sort of stuck.
My cousin was getting married sometime in the beginning of July (can’t remember the date) but it was like a week or so after we returned from Colorado. We for some reason are asked to go to the rehearsal dinner, we aren’t in the wedding but hey, sounds fun we will be there. Well the only thing to drink was Bud Light or the house made Margaritas (Joe T Garcia’s) because we were in like a entertaining location, not the actual restaurant. I hate Bud Light, Margs give me heartburn but fuck it I want to have fun. I think I had three of these margaritas (if you haven’t had Joe T’s, these are superrrr strong margaritas, not for the weak, like me) so I’m teetering on drunk when we leave, I’m feeling awesome-sauce! I will admit that liquor historically has allllways made me a bit feisty, especially if I’m with a boyfriend. All was well until like a block before we got to his house, he said something super racist and I can’t even remember what he said but I bit his head off over it. We are 28 years old, grow up. So now when we get to the house I’m still pissed off - I shower and go sleep in the guest room after crying for like 45 minutes (I know that was a dramatic overreaction on my part, I was drunk and I don’t drink often, still was stupid of me). The next day we both apologize to each other but boyfriend is trying to back out of going to the wedding altogether. Wtf no. He was at the dinner the night before, I asked if I could bring him because there wasn’t a “plus one” on the invitation, so it would have been really inconsiderate for him to be a no show. After going back and forth allllll day, we go to the wedding. He doesn’t even want to stay for the first dance, which I really wanted to, I love dancing at weddings, especially family weddings because I am a terrible dancer and it’s family so I don’t care! But no. We leave because “my best friend is at the house and my roommate is home and they are having so much fun and I want to be there too wah wah wah” so we leave the wedding and drive the hour back to his house. Next morning he was supposed to drive me home - instead popped up at like 9 am, zipped out the door with the guys to get breakfast and to go play golf. He doesn’t get home until like 6 pm...and he is wasted. I’m annoyed but whatever, I figure he can just take me home tomorrow, but no he wants to take me home right now - which I live 45 minutes-ish away, he’s drunk so no way am I letting him drive all that way. His friends are even telling him it’s not a big deal. Instead, he throws a temper tantrum. So I call my Dad last resort) to come get me. My boyfriend is fuming because I won’t let him drive me, I won’t let him pay for an Uber (he had already spent so much on all those trips and now he didn’t have a job) and now my Dad was on the way to pick me up. So he gets his dog, his best friend and they just get in his truck and are about to leave without saying a word to me. I walk outside and he’s about to back out of the drive way, I hold up my hands like “what the fuck are you doing??” And he came inside while the dog and the friend waited in the truck and just stared at the ground, I have never seen so much anger in someone’s eyes. And that was the last time we spoke!
He literally didn’t respond to any texts, any calls, any messages on social, NOTHING. He finally texted me and said I could get my stuff and move out on this date or this date and that was it!!!
What kind of person does this?? I was nothing but good to him. Did his laundry, cleaned his house, made dinner for him and all his buddies, I went hunting for the first time with him, tried golfing, I feel like I did everything I could have done to make him happy but clearly I didn’t. He told me that he loved me, I believed him at the time but now I feel like it was all bullshit. If you love someone, how can you totally ignore them for months? Their calls and texts telling you how much they love you and miss you and don’t know what is happening but want to fix it?
Part two I will post soon. I let my crazy show a little bit. I still didn’t get any answers but I did get some sweet satisfaction.
submitted by Disastrous_Horse_44 to BreakUps [link] [comments]


2020.09.18 03:26 BcontW Best Buy wouldn't budge

I went to Best Buy this evening in hopes of convincing them to give me my Z Fold 2 a day early. Obviously, it didn't work... But it felt worth a try. I told them that other Best Buys in the country had a release date 9/15. The rep told me it depends on what color you ordered. How strange. I preordered Mystic Bronze on 9/2 and I'm in Colorado. The rep said they would get a huge fine for releasing a flagship early. I understand, of course. And I didn't really expect to get it early, but I am frustrated that Best Buy in other states already released theirs. Looks like I'm waiting til the morning!
submitted by BcontW to GalaxyFold [link] [comments]


2020.09.18 02:27 BlueBa 24hr notice that spans over a week or in perpetuity?

I live in Boulder County, Colorado
My lease says, I must get 24hrs notice to enter except for emergencies.
My landlord (notorious for violating privacy rights, and was sued 3 years ago) gave me a notice saying that they are giving me notice that between (X) date and (Y) date, they're coming into my apartment. The days I'm to sit around waiting for someone to come in with a master key is over a SIX day period. No times given, or even a block of time, just between these dates they are going to come in.
Is this legal? If so, what's the point in having a 24 hr rule? If they can do that, then legally couldn't (X) date could be tomorrow and (Y) date be next year? 24 hrs notice should be a letter saying definitively that they are coming over tomorrow at (A) time or between (A) and (B) time? Should it not?
In objection to this, in part because I have a 3rd shift schedule. I filed a complaint and officially requested a day and a reasonable block of time. I didn't think my request was unreasonable. I've got no problem making sure I'm up and about on one day, but not knowing for SIX days when some men are going to come in when I'm naked in bed is disconcerting.
I got the notice yesterday Sept 16th . Which was 48 hrs from the first day they mentioned. (a rare courtesy here but fails in all other ways). I replied immediately in writing to the office the same day with the above mentioned objection. As of today, they have not responded and the business day is over. They could be coming over tomorrow, or any time until the middle of next week.
This is unexceptionable to me. I want to know what I can do about it. (Moving isn't an option)
submitted by BlueBa to renting [link] [comments]


2020.09.18 02:19 KatKat23421 [Greg Luca] UTSA's football games against Houston for the 2024 and 2025 seasons have been canceled, according to a contract amendment released by UTSA this morning. Appears Houston also has Boise State and Colorado lined up for home dates in 2025.

Source: https://twitter.com/GregLuca/status/1306261506640826370
submitted by KatKat23421 to CFB [link] [comments]


2020.09.18 00:57 Euronotus 22L (Gulf of Mexico)


Other discussions

Latest news

Last updated: Thursday, 17 September 2020 - 8:55 PM CDT (01:55 UTC)

The twenty-second cyclone of the 2020 Atlantic season has formed in the Gulf of Mexico

A combination of satellite imagery analysis and aerial reconnaissance data from a recent U.S. Air Force Hurricane Hunters mission reveals that a growing disturbance in the southwestern Gulf of Mexico has organized and strengthened sufficiently to be classified as a tropical cyclone. The cyclone is maintaining a well-defined low-level circulation beneath small clusters of deep convection which have persisted throughout the afternoon and have gradually consolidated. Water vapor imagery and upper-level wind analysis indicate that the cyclone is producing a well-established poleward outflow as it feeds into deepening mid-latitude trough over the southeastern United States.
Intensity estimates derived from satellite imagery analysis and aerial reconnaissance data indicate that the cyclone is producing maximum one-minute sustained winds of 30 knots (35 miles per hour). The cyclone's forward motion remains somewhat uncertain this afternoon, but is generally northeastward along the western periphery of a weak mid-level ridge situated to the east.
Latest data NHC Advisory #1 6:00 PM CDT (23:00 UTC)
Current location: 21.9°N 94.3°W 221 miles (356 km) NNE of Veracruz, Mexico
Forward motion: NE (35°) at 4 knots (7 km/h)
Maximum winds: 30 knots (55 km/h)
Intensity: Tropical Depression
Minimum pressure: 1005 millibars (29.68 inches)

Forecast discussion

Last updated: Thursday, 17 September 2020 - 8:55 PM CDT (01:55 UTC)

Some strengthening is expected this weekend

Tropical Depression Twenty-two is currently meandering through a very favorable environment characterized by weak southerly shear (5 to 10 knots), very warm sea-surface temperatures (30 to 31°C), abundant mid-level moisture, and strong diffluence aloft. Gradual intensification is expected over the next day or so as the central convection continues to pull more tightly toward the low-level center this weekend.
Decreasing mid-level moisture behind the mid-latitude trough to the north may limit the cyclone's ability to more steadily intensify once it becomes more organized over the next couple of days, even as it moves over very warm waters. The cyclone is expected to slowly drift north-northeastward through Saturday, remaining far enough offshore that it should gradually intensify.

Landfall over northwestern Mexico or southern Texas is possible toward the middle of the week

On Saturday evening, a building mid-level ridge to the north should push the cyclone sharply toward the west-southwest back toward land. The National Hurricane Center is currently forecasting a peak of just under hurricane strength on Sunday, with maximum one-minute sustained winds peaking at 60 knots (70 miles per hour).

Official forecast

Forecast valid: Thursday, 17 September 2020 - 6:00 PM CDT (23:00 UTC)
Hour Date Time Intensity Winds - Lat Long
- - UTC CDT - knots km/h ºN ºW
00 17 Sep 20:00 15:00 Tropical Depression 30 55 21.9 94.3
12 18 Sep 06:00 01:00 Tropical Depression 30 55 22.7 94.0
24 18 Sep 18:00 13:00 Tropical Storm 35 65 23.8 93.5
36 19 Sep 06:00 01:00 Tropical Storm 45 85 24.8 93.0
48 19 Sep 18:00 13:00 Tropical Storm 55 100 25.4 92.9
60 20 Sep 06:00 01:00 Tropical Storm 60 110 25.8 93.1
72 20 Sep 18:00 13:00 Tropical Storm 60 110 26.1 93.8
96 21 Sep 18:00 13:00 Tropical Storm 55 100 26.1 95.1
120 22 Sep 18:00 13:00 Tropical Storm 50 95 25.6 96.1

Official information sources

National Hurricane Center

Satellite imagery

Floater imagery

Visible imagery

Infrared imagery

Water vapor imagery

Multispectral imagery

Microwave imagery

Multiple Bands

Regional imagery

Radar

Unavailable

Tropical Depression Twenty-two is situated too far away from public-facing Doppler radar sites.

Analysis graphics and data

Wind analysis

Scatterometer data

EUMETSAT Ocean and Sea Ice Satellite Analysis Facility

Sea surface temperatures

Model guidance

Storm-Specific Guidance

Western Atlantic Guidance

submitted by Euronotus to TropicalWeather [link] [comments]


2020.09.18 00:01 Herbuttholesclogged Am I (F42) still the rebound or just insecure?M(42)

Pretty sure I started off as the rebound chick and I was ok with that at the time. As our relationship has progressed I felt like we began moving forward towards a real, healthy relationship. Up until now. Not really sure what Im wanting from this relationship anymore. Some of y'alls brutal advice and criticism may help.
Background: Met on okcupid. He told me on the first date he was still married/separated. She had just moved out. I was pissed but he was charming and very kind. I was bored and lonely...so I continued. Right off the bat he is planning trips for us to take. Took a trip to Colorado to drop off his dads truck ( he passed away a couple of months prior) and met his family. Took a trip to the beach and he posted pictures of us on Facebook. His then wife and all of her family unfriended him. Then we took a trip to Vegas. So yes all of this screams rebound. I was ok with it at the time and had an open discussion about it with him. He insisted he wanted a real relationship. His marriage was over years before they separated. He wasnt very close to her kids. And how he will be relieved to finally cut all ties with them all.
So our relationship progresses. He tells me he loves me. He treats me well. And yes he did divorce her last month. After the divorce I was teasing him about still having their framed photos together laying in a pile in the living room. He got pretty angry and defensive but the next time I went over they were gone. He also had her come over and get all of her stuff from the garage. Everything is moving forward nicely. And i think maybe this is going to be something real.
Current situation: The now ex-wifes son gets into a car accident. He is in a coma and probably wont make it. So my bf is going to a candlelight vigil for him. Ok thats fine I can understand. But now is he talking about how close his kids and her kids where. How he needs to be there for them. He also sent her a friend request on Facebook and posted a big heartfelt message to her and her family and tagged her in it. So they can all see it. Basically saying that he is there for them all no matter what and how her kids will always be his kids and how her family are some of the best people he has ever known.
So....I have no idea what to do. Walk away? Support him in his grief when/if the ex-stepson passes away? We have only been together for 6 months.
TLDR: Do I support my BF while he supports his ex-wife during her time of grief and possible death of step-son/son? Or walk away?
submitted by Herbuttholesclogged to relationship_advice [link] [comments]


2020.09.17 23:40 HeltonsGoatee Game Chat 9/17 Dodgers (35-15) @ Rockies (22-26) 6:40 PM

Dodgers (35-15) @ Rockies (22-26)

First Pitch: 6:40 PM at Coors Field
Pitcher TV Radio
Dodgers Julio Urias (3-0, 3.53 ERA) SNLA 570, KTNQ (ES)
Rockies Kyle Freeland (2-1, 3.54 ERA) ATTR KOA, KNRV (ES)
MLB Fangraphs Brooks Baseball Reddit Stream IRC Chat
Gameday Game Graph Strikezone Map Live Comments Freenode: #reddit-baseball

Line Score - Game Over

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 R H E
LAD 0 0 0 2 0 0 6 1 0 9 11 2
COL 2 0 0 0 0 0 0 1 0 3 5 1

Box Score

COL AB R H RBI BB SO BA LAD AB R H RBI BB SO BA
LF Tapia 4 1 1 0 0 0 .304 RF Betts 5 1 1 1 0 1 .304
SS Story 4 2 2 1 0 0 .302 SS Seager, C 5 2 3 2 0 0 .309
RF Blackmon 3 0 0 1 0 0 .313 DH Turner 5 1 2 0 0 1 .295
3B Arenado 4 0 0 0 0 0 .256 1B Muncy 4 1 0 0 1 2 .194
CF Pillar 4 0 2 1 0 0 .268 C Smith, W 5 1 1 2 0 1 .303
DH Kemp, M 4 0 0 0 0 2 .234 CF Bellinger 3 0 1 0 2 1 .218
1B Fuentes 4 0 0 0 0 1 .309 2B Taylor, Ch 2 0 0 0 2 1 .274
2B Hampson 3 0 0 0 0 1 .242 2B McKinstry 1 0 0 0 0 0 .000
C Díaz, E 0 0 0 0 0 0 .237 LF Hernández, K 3 1 1 1 0 0 .236
C Wolters 2 0 0 0 0 0 .225 3B Rios 3 2 2 1 1 0 .222
2B McMahon 1 0 0 0 0 0 .215
COL IP H R ER BB SO P-S ERA LAD IP H R ER BB SO P-S ERA
Freeland 6.1 6 4 4 2 5 96-61 3.75 Urías 5.2 3 2 2 0 2 77-50 3.49
Estévez 0.1 3 4 3 1 1 19-11 7.89 Floro 1.0 1 0 0 0 2 14-11 1.71
Díaz, Ja 0.1 0 0 0 2 0 13-4 7.13 Kelly 0.1 0 0 0 0 0 8-5 0.00
Davis, W 1.0 2 1 1 0 1 20-13 14.73 Kolarek 0.2 1 1 1 0 0 6-5 1.10
Tinoco 1.0 0 0 0 1 0 13-6 0.00 Sborz 1.1 0 0 0 0 0 12-10 2.08

Scoring Plays

Inning Event Score
B1 Charlie Blackmon out on a sacrifice fly to right fielder Mookie Betts. Raimel Tapia scores. 1-0
B1 Kevin Pillar singles on a sharp line drive to center fielder Cody Bellinger. Trevor Story scores. 2-0
T4 Corey Seager homers (13) on a line drive to right field. 2-1
T4 Enrique Hernandez hit by pitch. Justin Turner scores. Cody Bellinger to 3rd. Chris Taylor to 2nd. 2-2
T7 Mookie Betts singles on a line drive to center fielder Kevin Pillar. Enrique Hernandez scores. Edwin Rios to 3rd. 2-3
T7 Corey Seager doubles (12) on a sharp line drive to center fielder Kevin Pillar. Edwin Rios scores. Mookie Betts to 3rd. 2-4
T7 Justin Turner strikes out swinging. 2-5
T7 Will Smith doubles (8) on a line drive to left fielder Raimel Tapia. Corey Seager scores. Max Muncy scores. 2-7
T7 Chris Taylor walks. Will Smith scores. Cody Bellinger to 3rd. Passed ball by catcher Tony Wolters. 2-8
T8 Edwin Rios homers (5) on a line drive to right field. 2-9
B8 Trevor Story homers (11) on a fly ball to left field. 3-9

Highlights

Description Length HD
Charlie Blackmon brings in Raimel Tapia with sac fly 0:31 HD
Kevin Pillar singles in Trevor Story in the 1st 0:24 HD
Corey Seager crushes a line-drive homer to right 0:24 HD
Mookie Betts brings in Enrique Hernandez with single 0:32 HD
Corey Seager brings in Edwin Ríos with a double 0:37 HD
Will Smith rips two-run double down the line in left 0:32 HD
Will Smith comes home on a passed ball in the 7th 0:19 HD
Justin Turner scores on Enrique Hernandez's HBP 0:26 HD
Edwin Ríos crushes a solo home run to right field 0:20 HD
Dodgers storm ahead with a six-run 7th inning 1:12 HD
Trevor Story drives a solo home run to left field 0:27 HD
Josh Fuentes lines out to right fielder Mookie Betts. 0:12 HD

Decisions

Winning Pitcher Losing Pitcher Save
Floro (2-0, 1.71) Freeland (2-2, 3.75)
Game ended at 9:50 PM.
Remember to sort by new to keep up!
submitted by HeltonsGoatee to ColoradoRockies [link] [comments]


2020.09.17 22:15 Lime_pledge After waiting for several years, I'm finally in a position to build my first PC. $900 budget

What will you be doing with this PC? Be as specific as possible, and include specific games or programs you will be using.
What is your maximum budget before rebates/shipping/taxes?
When do you plan on building/buying the PC? Note: beyond a week or two from today means any build you receive will be out of date when you want to buy.
What, exactly, do you need included in the budget? (ToweOS/monitokeyboard/mouse/etc)
Which country (and state/province) will you be purchasing the parts in? If you're in US, do you have access to a Microcenter location?
If reusing any parts (including monitor(s)/keyboard/mouse/etc), what parts will you be reusing? Brands and models are appreciated.
Will you be overclocking? If yes, are you interested in overclocking right away, or down the line? CPU and/or GPU?
Are there any specific features or items you want/need in the build? (ex: SSD, large amount of storage or a RAID setup, CUDA or OpenCL support, etc)
What type of network connectivity do you need? (Wired and/or WiFi) If WiFi is needed and you would like to find the fastest match for your wireless router, please list any specifics.
Do you have any specific case preferences (Size like ITX/microATX/mid-towefull-tower, styles, colors, window or not, LED lighting, etc), or a particular color theme preference for the components?
Do you need a copy of Windows included in the budget? If you do need one included, do you have a preference?
submitted by Lime_pledge to buildapcforme [link] [comments]


2020.09.17 19:27 stake_pool Update and Few Thoughts, a (Well-Typed) transcript: Liza&Charles the marketeers, Voltaire kick-off, PrisM and Ebb-and-Flow to fuck ETH2.0 Gasper, the (back)log of a man and a falcon, lots of companies, September Goguen time, Basho, 2021 Titans, Basho, Hydra and much more thoughts and prayers

Hi everybody this is Charles Hoskinson broadcasting live from warm sunny Colorado. I'm trying a new streaming service and it allows me to annotate a few things and simulcast to both periscope and youtube. Let's see how this works. I also get to put a little caption. I think for the future, I'm just for a while going to put: "I will never give away ada". So, when people repost my videos for giveaway scams they at least have that. First off, a thank you, a community member named Daryl had decided to carve a log and give his artistic impression of my twitter profile picture of me and the falcon so that always means a lot when I get these gifts from fans and also I just wanted to, on the back of the Catalyst presentation, express my profound gratitude and excitement to the community.
You know it's really really cool to see how much progress has been made in such a short period of time. It was only yesterday when we were saying "when Shelley"? Now Shelley's out and it's evolving rapidly. Voltaire is now starting to evolve rapidly and we're real close to Goguen. At the end of this month we'll be able to talk around some of the realities of Goguen and some of the ideas we have and give some dates for certain things and give you a sense of where that project is at. The good news is that we have gained an enormous amount of progress and knowledge about what we need to do and how to get that done and basically people are just executing and it's a much smaller task than getting us to Shelley. With Byron to Shelley we literally had to build a completely new cryptocurrency from the ground up. We had to have new ledger rules, new update system, we had to invent a way of transitioning from one system to another system and there's hundreds of other little innovations along the way: new network stack and so forth. Byron cosmetically looks like Shelley but under the hood it's completely different and the Shelley design was built with a lot of the things that we needed for Goguen in mind. For example, we built Shelley with the idea of extended UTXO and we built Shelley understanding what the realities were for the smart contract model and that's one of the advantages you get when you do this type of bespoke engineering. There's two consequences to that, one, the integration is significantly easier, and two, the integration is significantly faster. We won't look at that same complexity there.
The product update at the end of the month... We'll really start discussing around some of these things as well as talk about partners and talk about how the development ecosystem is going to evolve. There are a lot of threads throughout all three organizations that are happening simultaneously. Emurgo, they're really thinking deeply about DeFi and they've invited us to collaborate with them on things like stablecoins for example but we're also looking at oracles (oracle pools), DEX and these other things and because there are already people in market who have made mistakes, learned lessons, it gives us the benefit of hindsight. It means we can be much faster to market and we can build much more competitive things in market and the Cardano community gets first access to these next generation DeFi applications without a lot of the problems of the prior generations and that's super beneficial to us.
You know, the other side of it, is that Voltaire is going to have a systemic influence not just on community funding but also the overall evolution and direction of the platform. The longer it exists the more pervasive it will become. Probably first applied towards the Cardano foundation roadmap but later on it will definitely have a lot of influence and say over every element aspect of the system including the launch dApps and these other things. Basically, long term, the types of problems that Cardano solves so that's incredibly appealing to me and very exciting to me because it's like I have this giant community brain with the best and brightest of all of you working with us to get us where we need to go.
You know, another thing that was super encouraging, it's a small thing, but it shows us that we're definitely in the right direction was that we recently got a demo from Pramod (Viswanath) and his team out of university of Illinois on a protocol they create called PrisM which is a super fast proof-of-work protocol and they wrote this beautiful paper and they wrote code along with it that showed that PrisM is a ten thousand times faster than Nakamoto consensus. If you take the bitcoin proof-of-work protocol, you strip it out, you put PrisM in, you can run the entire bitcoin system 10000 times faster. They have these beautiful benchmarks to show that. Even in bad network conditions. (I'm) promoting this team, they're, they're real researchers, and they're real engineers, they use a lot of cool HPC concepts like springboarding and other things like that to accommodate that. Then I asked him in the presentation, I said well, how much faster if you replay the Ethereum chain? He says, well, that it takes a big performance hit, could be only maybe a hundred times because that model is not as easy to optimize and shard with standard computer science concepts. In fact in some cases there are limitations there that really can't be overcome. It turns out that we're more on that UTXO side than we are on the account side. As a coincidence or intent of the design of extended UTXO we're gonna have a lot easier time getting much higher performance where and when it's necessary.
I also approved this week a scaling up of the Basho project. In particular, to build a hydra prototype team. The science has gotten to a point where we can make a really competitive push in that particular direction. What does that mean? It means that in just a few short months we can de-risk technological approaches that long-term will give us a lot of fruit where and when the community decides that they need infrastructure like hydra. Now, here's the beautiful thing about hydra. If you watch my whiteboard back in September of 2017 when Cardano first hit market with Byron I talked about this concept of looking at scalability with a very simple test which is as you get more people in the system it stays at the same performance or it gets faster. We all experience systems that do this, for example, bittorrent, more people downloading something you tend to be able to get it faster and we all experience the converse which is, the system gets slower when you get more people. What does this mean? It means that hydra is an actual approach towards true scalability in the system and it's a lot easier to do than sharding even though we have a beautiful approach to get the sharding on the ledger side if we truly desire to go down that way. There's beautiful ideas that we are definitely in deep discussions about. That's a very complex thing. There was recently a paper ("Ebb-and-Flow Protocols: A Resolution of the Availability-Finality Dilemma") out of Stanford that showed that the Gasper protocol as proposed for ETH2.0 does have some security concerns and it's going to be the burden on the shoulders of the Ethereum 2.0 developers and Vitalik to address those concerns from those Stanford professors. Whenever you have these very complex protocols they have so many different ways they can break and things can go wrong so it's much more appealing when you don't have to embrace complexity to achieve the same. The elegance of hydra is that stake pool operators are very natural parties to put hydra channels on and every time we add one we get much more performance out of that and the system as it gets more valuable. The k factor increases which means you get more stake pull operators, which means you get more hydra channels, so with growth we get appreciation, with appreciation we get more decentralization, with more decentralization we get more performance. In essence, this spiritually speaking, is really what we meant when we said scalability. That the system will always grow to meet its particular needs and we have a very elegant way of moving in that direction that doesn't require us to embrace very sophisticated techniques. It's not to say that these techniques don't have a place and purpose but it says that the urgency of implementing these is gone and we then have the luxury to pick the best science when it's ready instead of rushing it to market to resolve a crisis of high fees. We'll never have that crisis so there's a beauty to Cardano that is missing, I in my view, from many cryptocurrencies and blockchains in the marketplace and we're now seeing that beauty shine through. Not only through our community who are so passionate and amazing but in the science and the engineering itself and how easy it is for us to navigate the concepts. How easy it is for us to add more things, to take some things away, to clean some things up here and there and our ability to move through.
I never imagined when in 2015 I signed up to go in on this crazy ride and try to build a world financial operating system we would have made as much progress as we made today. We've written more than 75 research papers as an organization many of which are directly applicable to Cardano. We've got great partners who work with Nasa and Boeing and Pfizer, massive companies, that have 10 years of history and millions of users to come in and help us grow better. We've worked with incredible organizations, major universities like university of Wyoming, university of Edinburgh, Tokyo, tech professors all across the world. We've worked with incredible engineering firms like VacuumLabs and AtixLabs and Twig and Well-Typed, runtime verification, QuviQ and dozens of others along the years and despite the fact that at times there's been delays and friction throughout this entire journey we've mostly been aligned and we keep learning and growing. It gives me so much hope that our best days are ahead of us and an almost fanatical belief that success is inevitable in a certain respect. You see because we always find a way to be here tomorrow and we always find a way to make tomorrow a better day than today and as long as that's the trend you're monotonically increasing towards a better tomorrow, you're always going to have that outcome, you're always going to be in a position where Cardano shines bright. Towards the end of the month we'll have a lot more to say about the development side and that'll be a beginning just like Voltaire is the beginning and then suddenly you now notice the beautiful parallelism of the roadmap. Shelley continues to evolve, partial delegation is coming, in fact, I signed the contract with vacuumlabs to bring that to Ledger (and Trezor). The Daedalus team is hard at work to make that feature apparent for everyone as is the Yoroi team.
You see that, with now Voltaire, and soon was Goguen, and these are not endpoints, rather they're just beginnings and they're never over. We can always make staking better, more diverse, more merit-based and entertain different control models, have better delegation mechanics, have better user experience. The same for smart contracts, that's an endless river and along the way what we've discovered is it's easy for us to work with great minds and great people. For example with testing of smart contracts I would love to diversify that conversation above and beyond what we can come up with and bring in some firms who have done this for a long time to basically take that part with us shoulder to shoulder and build beautiful frameworks to assist us. For example, runtime verification is doing this with, the EVM with a beautiful project called Firefly to replace Truffle. I believe that we can achieve similar ends with Plutus smart contracts.
When you ask yourself what makes a system competitive in the cryptocurrency space? In my view there are four dimensions and you have to have a good story for all four of those dimensions. You need security and correctness. A lot of people don't prioritize that but when they get that wrong it hurts retail people, it hurts everyday people, billions of dollars have been lost due to the incompetence and ineptitude of junior developers making very bad mistakes and oftentimes those developers faced no consequences. The people who lost money were innocent people who believed in cryptocurrencies and wanted to be part of the movement but didn't protect themselves adequately. That's a really sad thing and it's unethical to continue pushing a model that that is the standard or the likely outcome rather than a rare edge case. You have to as a platform, a third generation platformn invest heavily in giving the developers proper tools to ensure security and correctness. We've seen a whole industry there's been great innovations out of Quantstamp and ConsenSys and dozens of other firms in the space including runtime verification who have really made major leaps in the last few years of trying to improve that story. What's unique to Cardano is that we based our foundations on languages that were designed right the first time and there's over 35 years of history for the approach that we're following in the Haskell side that allows us to build high assurance systems and our developers in the ecosystem to build high assurance systems. We didn't reinvent the wheel, we found the best wheel and we're giving it to you.
I think we're going to be dominant in that respect as we enter 2021. Second, you look at things like ease of maintenance, ease of deployment, the life cycle of the software upgrades to the software and as we've demonstrated with things like the hard fork combinator and the fact that Voltaire is not just a governance layer for ada and Cardano but will eventually be reusable for any dApp deployed on our system. You have very natural tooling that's going to allow people to upgrade their smart contracts, their dApps and enable governance for their users at an incredibly low cost and not have to reinvent the governance wheel each and every application. This is another unique property to our system and it can be reused for the dApps that you deploy on your system as I've mentioned before. Performance is a significant concern and this was often corrupted by marketers especially ICO marketers who really wanted to differentiate (and) say: "our protocol tested on a single server in someone's basement is 500000 transactions per second" and somehow that translates to real life performance and that's antithetical to anyone who's ever to study distributed systems and understands the reality of these systems and where they go and what they do and in terms of performance. I think we have the most logical approach. You know, we have 10 years of history with bitcoin, it's a massive system, we've learned a huge amount and there's a lot of papers written about, a lot of practical projects and bitcoin is about to step into the world of smart contracts. We congratulate them on getting Schnorr sigs in and the success of Taproot. That means entering 2021, 2022, we are going to start seeing legitimate dApps DeFi projects, real applications, instead of choosing Ethereum or Algorand, EOS, Cardano, choosing bitcoin and they're adding a lot to that conversation. I think that ultimately that model has a lot of promise which is why we built a better one. There are still significant limitations with what bitcoin can accomplish from settlement time to the verbosity of contracts that can be written.
The extended UTXO model was designed to be the fastest accounting and most charitable accounting model ever, on and off chain, and hydra was designed to allow you to flex between those two systems seamlessly. When you look at the foundations of where we're at and how we can extend this from domain specific languages, for domain experts, such as Marlowe to financial experts, and the DSLs that will come later, for others, like lawyers and supply chain experts in medical databases and so forth and how easy it is to write and deploy these. Plutus being beautiful glue code for both on and off chain communications. I think we have an incredibly competitive offering for performance and when hydra comes, simply put, there'll be no one faster. If we need to shard, we're going to do that and definitely better than anybody else because we know where our security model sits and there won't be surprise Stanford papers to blindside us that require immediate addressing.
In terms of operating costs, this is the last component, in my view, and that's basically how much does it cost you the developer to run your application? There are really two dimensions, one is predictability and the other is amount. It's not just good enough to say: it's a penny per transaction today. You need to know that after you spend millions of dollars and months or years of effort building something and deploying something that you're not going to wake up tomorrow and now it's five dollars to do what used to cost a penny. You need that cost to be as low as possible and as predictable as possible and again the way that we architectured our system and as we turn things on towards the end of this year and as we enter into the next year we believe we have a great approach to achieve low operating cost. One person asks why Cardano? Well because we have great security and correctness in the development experience and tools with 35 years of legacy that were built right the first time and don't put the burdens of mistakes on your customers. They ask why Cardano and we say: well the chain itself is going to give you great solutions with identity value transformation and governance itself and as a consequence when you talk about upgrading your applications having a relationship with your customers of your applications and you talk about the ease of maintenance of those applications. There's going to be a good story there and we have beautiful frameworks like Voltaire that allow that story to evolve and we keep adding partners and who have decades of experience to get us along. We won't stop until it's much better. They asked why Cardano? We said because at the moment we're 10 times faster today than Ethereum today and that's all we really need for this year and next year to be honest and in the future we can be as fast as we need to be because we're truly scalable. As the system gets more decentralized the system improves performance and where and when we need to shard we can do that. We'll have the luxury of time to do it right, the Cardano way, and when people ask why Cardano? Because the reality is, it's very cheap to do things on our platform and the way we're building things. That's going to continue being the case and we have the governance mechanisms to allow the community to readjust fees and parameters so that it can continue being affordable for users. Everything in the system will eventually be customizable and parameterizable: from block size, to transaction fees and the community will be in a good position to dynamically allocate these things where and when needed so that we can enjoy as an ecosystem predictability in our cost.
In the coming weeks and months, especially in my company, we're going to invest a lot of time and effort into comparison marketing and product marketing. When I see people say, oh well, you've launched proof of stake, a lot of other people have done. I don't think those people fully appreciate the magnitude of what we actually accomplished as an ecosystem and the quality of the protocols that are in distribution. That's not their fault, it's our fault, because we didn't take the time in simplistic terms, not scientific papers and deep code and formal specifications, but rather everyday language, to really show why we're different. I admit that that's a product failing and that needs to be corrected so we hired a great marketing director, named Liza (Horowitz?) and she is going to work full time with me and others in the ecosystem, a great team of people, every single day to get out there and explain what we have done is novel, unique, competitive and special to our industry. Everything from Ouroboros and contrast to major other protocols from the EOSes and Algorands and the Tezos of the world. Why we're different, trade-offs we chose over them, to our network stack, to the extended UTXO model, to Plutus, to Marlowe and we're going to keep hammering away at that until we get it right and everybody acknowledges and sees what has been accomplished.
I've spent five years of my life, good years of my life, and missed a lot to get this project where it needs to go. All of our employees have invested huge sums of their personal lives, their time, their brand, their careers, in trying to make this the really most magical and special cryptocurrency and blockchain infrastructure around. No one ever signed up in this company or the other companies working on Cardano to work on a mediocre protocol. That's just another blockchain, they signed up to change the world, they signed up to build a system that legitimately can look at you in the face and say: one day we have the potential to have a billion users! That's what they signed up for and they showed up to play. They built technology that evolves in that direction with some certainty and great foundations and we have an obligation to market in a way that can show the world why, succinctly, with clarity. Understandably, this has been a failing in the past but you know what? You can always be better tomorrow that monotonically increasing make it better and that's what we're going to do. We recognized it and we're going to invest in it and with Voltaire if we can't do it. You the community can do it and we'll work with you. If you can do a better job and the funding will be there to get that done. In addition to this, we think about 2021 and we ask where does the future take us? I've thought a lot about this you know I've thought a lot about how do we get the next five years as we close out 2020 and here's the reality: we're not going to leave as a company until we have smart contracts and multi-asset and Voltaire has evolved to a point where the community can comfortably make decisions about the future of the protocol and that the staking experience has solidified and it's stable.
I don't care if this costs me millions or tens of millions of dollars out of my own pocket to make happen. I'm going to do that because that's my commitment to you, the community and every product update will keep pushing our way there. We'll continue to get more transparent, we'll continue to get more aggressive and hire more and parallelize more. Aware when we can, to deliver that experience so that Cardano gets where it needs to go. Then when we ask about where do we go next? The reality is that the science as an industry, the engineering as an industry has given a menu of incredibly unique attractive and sexy things that we can pursue. What we're going to do is work with the community and the very same tools that are turning on today, the Voltaire tools, the cardano.ideascale.com tools and we're going to propose a consortium and we're going to bring the best and brightest together and give a vision of where we can take the system in another five years. With the benefit of hindsight, massively improved processes, better estimation capabilities and the fact that we're not starting with two people at IOG. We're starting with 250 people and the best scientific division in our industry and the legacy of almost, nearly by the end of this year, 100 scientific papers. That's us, you know what, there's dozens of companies throughout the history who have worked on Cardano. It's about time to scale them up too and get client diversity. So come next year when the protocol has evolved to the point where it's ready for it, we'll have that conversation with you the community and that's going to be a beautiful conversation. At the conclusion of it, there's going to be certainty of how we're going to evolve over the next five years to get ourselves beyond the cryptocurrency space. I'm very tired of these conversations we have about: are you going to go to (coindesk's) consensus or not? Or who's going to be the big winner? What about Libra or what about this particular regulation and this crypto unicorn and this thing?
You know I've been in the space a long time and I've noticed that people keep saying the same things year after year in the same venues. Yes, the crowd sizes get larger and the amount of value at risk gets larger but I haven't seen a lot of progress in the places where I feel it is absolutely necessary for this technology to be permanent in the developing world. We need to see economic identity. People often ask what is the mission for Cardano? For us IOG, you look at economic identity and you take a look at a roadmap. For it, you scale up and down, and each and every step along the way, from open data, to self-sovereign identity, to financial inclusion. You can keep going down: to decentralized lending, decentralized insurance, decentralized banking. Each and every step along the way to economic identity. When you admit a blockchain tells you that, there's a collection of applications and infrastructure that you need to build.
My life's work is to get to a point where we have the technology to do that. The infrastructure to do that, with principles, and so we'll keep evolving Cardano and we'll keep evolving the space as a whole and the science as a whole until I can wake up and say: each box and that road to economic identity, for all people not just one group, we have a solution for that. I'm going to put those applications on Cardano and success for me is not about us being king of the crypto hill and having a higher market cap than bitcoin or being entrepreneur of the year coindesk's most influential person. It's meaningless noise, success for me is reflecting back at the things that we have accomplished together and recognizing that millions if not billions now live in a system where they all matter, they all have a voice, they all have an equal footing. The Jeff Bezos of the world have the very same experience as the person born in Rwanda and we're not done until that's the case. It's a long road, it's a hard road, but you know what? We're making progress, we have great people in Africa, we have great people in eastern Europe, we have great people in southeast Asia and great partners all along the way. Great people, Latin America, great people in south America, great people here in the United States.
When we talk about economic identity there are millions, if not tens of millions of Americans who don't have it. Same for Canadians, hundreds of thousands, who don't have it. Developed western cultures, it's the greatest blind spot of policy and as we enter into a depression as a result of coronavirus, add millions if not tens of millions more onto that list. Generations are being disenfranchised by this legacy system and we as an ecosystem, we as an entire community are offering a different way forward. Not hyper centralizationn not social credit but a way forward where you own your own money, your own identity, your own data. You're not a victim of surveillance capitalism, you're not a victim of civil asset forfeiture. When you say the wrong things, you get shut out of society. Each and every human being matters and I'm optimistic to believe that when you remind people that they matter they're gonna rise to the occasion. That is the point of my company. In the things that we do each and every day, that's our mission to give the platforms to the world so that those who don't have economic identity can get it and they can keep it and no one can take it from them and they can enjoy an ever increasing growth of standard of living wealth and prosperity.
However you want to measure that this is my goal post, I couldn't care less about the cryptocurrency space. It was a great place to start but the space needs to be reminded why it exists. Bitcoin was given a mandate on the back of the 2008 financial crisis to do something different. It was not given a mandate to go be a new settlement layer for central banks or a new way for the old guard to make more money and banks get bigger and for those who are in control to preserve their power. The whole point of doing something so crazy as to buy a coin that doesn't even exist in real life, that's just a bunch of numbers in the cloud, the whole point of that was so that we as a society could do something different than the way that we'd been doing things before. So, each and every member of the cryptocurrency space needs to remind everyone else from time to time why we're here and where did we come from and where are we going to go.
The beauty of Cardano is we have already achieved for the most part a decentralized brain and that momentum is pushing harder than ever. More and more scientists are waking up, more and more institutions are waking up, getting us there. The code we have, the right approach and I think we have a great competitive offering for 2021 as we go and battle the titans and that's going to be a lot of fun but we know who we are and where we're going and we're in the right places. It's so incredibly encouraging to see the stake pool operators not just be from California or Texas or New York or Canada. To see a lot of stake pool operators from the place that need the most, help everybody does matter and it means a lot to me for the people who are there but it means a lot to everybody to say that we have created an equal platform. It makes the participation of all of us so much more meaningful. We're not just talking to each other, we're talking to the world and by working together on this platform we're lifting the world up and giving people hope. That's the point, there's a lot more to do, we didn't get everything done. You never do you aspire, you work hard, you set a moon, shot and sometimes you can just get to orbit with the first go but you know what? When you build the next rocket you can go to Mars.
Thank you all for being with me, thank you all for being part of this. Today was a damn good day with the announcement of Voltaire. Go to cardano.ideascale.com. You can participate in that, so end of September is going to be a good day too. There's a lot of good days to come, in between a lot of hard days, doing tasks sometimes entirely forgettable but always necessary to keep the revolution going and the movement going. I cannot wait for 2021, our best days are ahead of us, because of you. You all take care now .
Source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BFa9zL_Dl_w
Other things mentioned:
https://cardano.ideascale.com/
https://www.atixlabs.com/blockchain
https://www.well-typed.com/
https://www.vacuumlabs.com/
https://medium.com/interdax/what-is-taproot-and-how-will-it-benefit-bitcoin-5c8944eed8da
https://medium.com/interdax/how-will-schnorr-signatures-benefit-bitcoin-b4482cf85d40
https://quantstamp.com/
https://bloxian.com/bloxian-platforms/ (TWIG)
https://runtimeverification.com/firefly/
https://www.trufflesuite.com/
https://experts.illinois.edu/en/publications/prism-deconstructing-the-blockchain-to-approach-physical-limits (PrisM and not our Prism https://atalaprism.io/)
Ebb-and-Flow Protocols: A Resolution of the Availability-Finality Dilemma (aka Gasper and ETH2.0 fucker) https://arxiv.org/abs/2009.04987
http://www.quviq.com/products/
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schnorr_signature
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2020.09.17 17:45 ketchupsunshine As requested: Paula Abdul claims a 1992 plane crash took her out of the spotlight. The NTSB has no record of it ever happening.

On the Paula Abdul post a couple weeks ago, I commented that I had a write-up that was almost ready to go. This goes far more in depth than that post and was heavily requested so hopefully it does not get removed this time.
In July I saw this comment and decided to look up the plane crash story, expecting it to be easily explainable one way or another. But instead I wound up with differing accounts from Paula Abdul herself, articles claiming she was lying, and lots of random gossip. So I figured I’d try to piece it together myself.
The story goes like this:
In 1992 1, Paula Abdul was flying from a performance in St. Louis to Denver while on her Under My Spell Tour (sometimes called the “Spellbound” tour, the name of the album she was promoting at this time). Then, over a cornfield in Iowa, Abdul in 2019 said the following took place:
“It all happened when I boarded a seven-seater plane and an hour into the flight one of the engines blew up and the right wing caught fire and everything went black...I woke up in the hospital only to find that I had crushed my cervical spine, leaving me partially paralyzed.”
She also stated that she underwent 15 spinal surgeries as a result of her injuries both from this and prior incidents.
But 2019 was not the first time she told this story. According to Abdul in 2005, she took one day off and she continued to perform. The 2005 account mostly matched her earliest mention of the accident in 2003. Then, in 2019, she described waking up in the hospital, partially paralyzed. The story changes in bits every time, and there is no documented mention of it at all before Abdul’s 2003 NBC interview. It’s stranger the more you read about it, and there don’t seem to be concrete answers.
What we do know for sure is that Paula Abdul’s career took a hit shortly after the time she claims the crash took place. Abdul’s next era following Spellbound, Head Over Heels, was her worst selling release. She was divorced twice between 1994 and 1998. Between her Spellbound era and about 1996, Abdul seemed to stay out of the spotlight. Part of this was due to her seeking treatment for her bulimia in 1994, which came with rumors that she was being treated for opioid addiction at the same time. Her career and personal life seemed to have gone downhill after her Under Your Spell tour, and it’s debated whether this was because of her plane crash, or whether the plane crash was invented to sweep this under the rug.

Inconsistencies:

There are a few aspects of Abdul’s story that are pointed to as proof that she is lying.
Dates:
Abdul claims to have performed in St. Louis before the fateful flight, heading to Denver, and to have boarded immediately following this performance. Her own website does not list a St. Louis tour date (although there is a date for Greenwood Village, near Denver, on June 10, 1992). The Wikipedia page for the tour uses the same dates as Abdul’s website. This has been used by some theorists as proof that the whole story is fabricated, since it gives the appearance that there wouldn’t have been a St. Louis to Denver flight at all. However, while Abdul’s own website lacks any mention of these dates, there is some evidence she may have flown from St. Louis to Denver between June 19 and June 22, 1992. 2 Rich Juzwiak at Jezebel dug up records that give us a possible date for the alleged crash. The Jezebel article cites a St. Louis Post Dispatch article from June 21, 1992, talking about a Paula Abdul concert the previous Friday at the Riverport Ampitheater. This sets a date of June 19, 1992 for St. Louis. The same Jezebel article also cites an Entertainment Weekly article from September 25, 1992, which refers to Abdul performing a show at the Fiddler’s Green Amphitheatre in a suburb of Denver on June 22. Abdul’s website lists no shows between the June 10 show in Greenwood Village and the June 23 show in Seattle. This means that there is a gap that these other two shows fit into, although it is odd they aren’t listed as part of the tour despite being part of the tour.
EDIT: As referenced in footnote 2, the Jezebel article had an edit claiming that a reader had found a Kansas City Star article listing a June 20, 1992 date at the Sandstone Ampitheater in Bonner Springs, outside of Kansas City. I couldn't find this as I was writing, but u/bookdrops dug up this Springfield News-Leader article from June 19, 1992 that references the same June 20 date at the Sandstone Ampitheater. This means that there was a date between the St. Louis and Denver shows that have been found, and to me this rules out there being a St. Louis to Denver flight at all. She could have mistaken Kansas City for St. Louis or misremembered, but her stated flight path doesn't seem to have happened.
Possible drug addiction:
Abdul’s 2009 Ladies Home Journal interview describes her spending Thanksgiving 2008 weaning herself off of a painkiller addiction:
The rumors that her sometimes-bizarre behavior was fueled by drugs just may have been true. Abdul was taking heavy-duty pain killers, though she claims she never shot an Idol episode under the influence. But last Thanksgiving, determined to overcome her habit, she checked into the La Costa Resort and Spa, in Carlsbad, California, to wean herself off her medications in one fell swoop. "I could have killed myself.... Withdrawal -- it's the worst thing," she says. "I was freezing cold, then sweating hot, then chattering and in so much pain, it was excruciating. But at my very core, I did not like existing the way I had been.”
Fans and tabloids during Abdul’s run as an American Idol judge often commented on her strange behavior, although she was quick to explain it away. The LHJ interview had direct quotes from her talking about her struggle with drug addiction.
...And then Paula Abdul went on record saying she had never said those things. In fact, according to her, she has never even been drunk. Abdul does not seem to have refuted that she went to a place called La Costa in Carlsbad, California, but she was adamant that it was just a normal spa and she had been there for only three days. While there is a rehab center in Carlsbad called La Costa, the article refers to “La Costa Resort and Spa”, which is an actual resort and spa.
Despite Abdul’s denials, there is still rampant speculation that she is or was addicted to painkillers. There’s certainly no clear-cut evidence proving she was ever an addict, but it’s also nearly impossible to disprove something. Especially when there is so much circumstantial evidence, such as her “strange” behavior that the tabloids latched onto.
Worth noting for this point is the fact that Abdul has consistently been open about her diagnosis with Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy, an incredibly painful condition. This, in conjunction with her (also consistent) story about a cheerleading accident in high school followed by several smaller car accidents over the years, means that Paula Abdul already has a pretty good reason to be using painkillers. RSD and any severe chronic pain can sometimes also cause people to seem “spacey” or “loopy”, which could also explain why so many people thought she was acting strange during the time she was on American Idol.
Crash records:
The strongest piece of evidence cited by those who believe Paula Abdul is lying is the lack of evidence. There seems to be no record of this crash ever having happened. Her tour ran from October 1991 to August 1992 and despite having searched accident records 3 for that timespan I have been unable to find any record of this crash. I’ll admit to not being knowledgeable about aviation records, but it also seems telling that no one else has been able to find these records either. Abdul has denounced those who doubt her claims and while I can’t speak definitively, I would think she or her publicist would have pointed to an NTSB report if there was one.
Additionally, Abdul has been quoted several times as saying the plane landed in a cornfield in Iowa. This doesn’t fit with her claim that the flight was from St. Louis to Denver. The flight she claims to have taken is pretty much straight west, and crashing in Iowa would require a significant detour north. Not impossible, but certainly implausible at least from a layman’s understanding of air travel.
There is an NTSB report for an eight seater (not seven) plane crashing into a field in Nebraska (not Iowa), a full month before the Under My Spell tour began. It also seems to have taken off in Nebraska with an intended destination elsewhere in Nebraska, rather than going to either St. Louis or Denver, and it crashed shortly after takeoff rather than the claimed forty minutes to an hour into the flight. I cannot find any news about what Abdul would’ve been doing in Nebraska in September 1991, so I don’t believe this is the accident. There is also a record of an accident in Englewood, Colorado on June 10, 1992. Paula Abdul had a concert in nearby Greenwood Village on the same day, but the description of the plane and accident do not match her story at all. These two are the only records that I have seen that match any part of her story, and neither is a good fit.

Theories:

Theory 1: Paula Abdul was actually in some sort of incident on a plane in 1992, but has embellished what happened and this is why no one has been able to track down records of the event. The most common theory in this camp is that the plane experienced some turbulence, she wasn’t wearing her seatbelt, and she experienced an injury. This possibly compounded with previous injuries (such as the cheerleading accident she often mentions in conjunction with the plane crash story) and caused severe harm, but the plane did not crash. There’s a lot of overlap between this theory and the others, and how much overlap exists between theories depends on who you ask.
Theory 2: Paula Abdul was not in any aviation accidents in 1992 and she is using this story to cover up painkiller use and/or her extended absence from the limelight before her American Idol job.
One of these theories revolves around the idea that Paula invented the plane crash in 2003, after regaining the limelight as an American Idol judge, to give herself an excuse for falling out of the public eye and to distract from the downturn in her career and personal life during this period. The other, more popular theory, is that she used the plane crash as an excuse to either explain away her loopy behavior during her American Idol years as non-drug related (if you believe 2005 USA Today “I have never been addicted to anything” Paula Abdul) or to excuse it as being caused by medication prescribed to her for her injuries.
Theory 3: Paula Abdul is telling the truth about being in a crash and her story was brought into doubt due to some unfortunate gaps in information, such as the NTSB records being incomplete/the accident not being reported at all, her own choice to keep quiet for an extended period of time, and miscommunications about whether or not she was using pain medication. There is enough room for the basic story to be true. Admittedly, the story has changed so much that at least some versions will be lies even if one version was the truth. If this is the case I will certainly apologize for fueling speculation otherwise...but I would consider this the least likely option.

Conclusion/discussion:

Regardless of whatever the actual story is regarding the plane crash, it’s pretty clear that Paula Abdul struggles with chronic pain and I do not intend to make light of this at all or to shame her if she has struggled with addiction. It’s just very strange that there is no proof of this event ever happening. Did Paula Abdul get injured on a plane in 1992? Was she covering for a painkiller addiction, and was that part of why she went to rehab in 1994? Was she covering for being out of the spotlight? Is Paula Abdul actually sober like she claims, and is her strange behavior actually just her being Paula Abdul rather than drugs or alcohol? Was this a ploy for attention that ripped off of Gloria Estefan’s accident? Why did it take eleven years after the alleged accident for there to be a single documented mention of it? I’m very curious what everyone else thinks about this case.
My personal theory (which is based as much on gut feelings as it is on actual information, since the info is so spotty) is that she was on a plane during the Under My Spell tour, wasn’t wearing a seatbelt, and was injured when the plane experienced turbulence mid-flight. This compounded her existing spinal injuries and her condition deteriorated for several years until around 1994 her health problems prevented her from working. She took a break from the limelight to recover, came back for American Idol, and decided to embellish her story to garner sympathy and distract from the other issues (the relative commercial failure of Head Over Heels, her divorces) that contributed to her break. I’m unsure on whether or not she had an addiction to painkillers but I lean towards “no”. Her story of using alternative medicine in response to her injuries from the crash partially convinced me that the strange behavior people point to as proof of her being on drugs is actually just her being herself. She seems like a bit of an odd duck.

Footnotes:

1 Some articles list 1993 as the date of the crash, including some quotes from Abdul herself, but in the grand scheme of things this did not seem particularly significant. The tour she mentions ran from 1991 to 1992, and most articles state 1992. Because of this I am assuming that this is a mistake rather than an actual lie. Specifically the 2009 Ladies Home Journal interview says she was in a car accident in 1992 that caused a neck injury, and places the plane crash in 1993. This is the closest thing to a “contradictory” date I have seen but it also is not a quote from Paula Abdul herself. Make of this what you will.
2 According to an edit in the Jezebel story, there was a Kansas City Star article claiming Abdul had performed in Kansas City on June 20, 1992, which would basically rule out a St. Louis to Denver flight. However, I’ve tried searching and can’t find this article. If anyone is able to find it I’d be happy to edit it in, but I’m not including information I can’t verify. EDIT: Link to confirmation of Sandstone Amphitheater concert, so there is now proof of this and I have edited the post accordingly.
3 This specific link has a disclaimer that records have only been natively uploaded since 1996. So although there are pre-1996 records available on this site, there is no guarantee that these records are complete. The other link provided does not contain the same disclaimer and has far more complete records, but I have no way to verify that they are 100% complete.

Sources/further reading:

2003 NBC interview, earliest mention of the accident.
2005 People interview, discusses details including plane route.
A 2005 drug allegation and denial.
2009 Ladies Home Journal interview, discusses going to rehab for painkiller addiction. Page 2 of same interview. This has been denounced by Abdul herself.
A detailed account of the accident itself, told in 2019.
An in depth Jezebel investigation from 2019.
2020 Yahoo interview where Abdul discusses people doubting her and why she did not speak about the crash earlier.
Paula Abdul’s website page for the tour, which mentions the plane crash but does not list the relevant tour dates.
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2020.09.17 15:26 idi0ts4ndwich my past life

i did the past life regression hypnosis from tiktok a while back and wanted to share my experience doing it, plus how some of it seems to connect to this life.
during the first part, i was in a field with a colorful flowers, 3 small, wooden houses, and mountains close by. some pictures i found of a place in colorado matched best to where i lived, minus the houses. i was a man in that life (im a girl now lol) and i was pretty tan and had brown hair. i was wearing a light beige colored fedora with a black ribbon thing around it (idk what its called), a white button up shirt with the sleeves rolled up to my elbows, a black tie, a navy blue vest and pants, a brown belt with a gold buckle, and brown shoes with gold buckles that matched the belt. also, the pants were pretty tight fitting but not like skinny jean tight, and they were short enough to show my ankles. i think this was around the late 1800s and early 1999s, but i’m not sure. i posted a sim i made of what i looked at if you want to go look at it.
next, when it takes you to the most important day of that life, i was laying in the grass at night. there were more stars in the sky than i’vex ever seen now since it was so dark out. i looked to my right and another man was laying next to me, looking at me and smiling. he had an outgrown buzzcut that was longer on the top, a short mustache, and bright blue eyes. he wore a white button up and black pants, but i dont remember the shoes he had. we were both laughing at nothing, just out of happiness i suppose. i moved closer to him and we started cuddling, so i’m assuming he was my partner and this was the day we both knew we loved each other.
finally, it takes you to your last day of that life. an angry man who looked like the older version of my partner- probably my partner’s dad- threw me into a driveway, or somewhere with gravel. basically he kicked the shit out of me, probably because he found out about me and his son. i was laying on the ground, covered in blood on my left side. my partners dad had went back into his house and my partner ran up to me. we were both crying, and he put his hand on my cheek and repeatedly said that he loved me. i was in too much pain to say it back, and that’s how i died.
i saw one of my spirit guides, saphire (yes, spelled like that lol) who i’ve actually communicated with through auto scripting, so i recognized who she was. i told her “i’m not done yet”. she told me something along the lines of “it’s okay. be who you are”.
while doing the regression hypnosis, during the part where i was dying, the left side of my body felt sore. i have 4 birthmarks- one under my left eye, one in front of my left ear, one under my left arm, and one on my back. this seems to line up with the theory of birthmarks being how you died in a past life. however, my mom thinks the birthmark on my back was from a past life where i died in a fire since it used to be really red, and i have a fear of fire. maybe i’ll do the past life regression again someday and see if thats true.
i’ve been really paranoid about death recently (this started before i tried the past life regression), but i’ve felt that i still have important things to do before i do, so i would tell myself that i’m not done yet, so the fact that i told my spirit guide that i wasn’t done is so crazy to me.
i’m a hopeless romantic who hasn’t really been in a serious relationship. i’ve had one boyfriend in the sixth grade, but that’s it. i’ve had crushes, but the only one of them that i think i truly loved was my ex best friend, but i guess it was the wrong place and wrong time. even his girlfriend (aka the reason i stopped talking to him bc the only way to get rid of the feelings i had for him was to cut him off) told a mutual friend of ours that she thought we liked each other. anyways, i have a lot of love to give, but i haven’t found my partner yet. i never dated in high school and i tried tinder, but whenever i would talk to someone on there, it just didn’t feel right. i’ve been questioning my sexuality more than ever these past few months, and i’m pretty sure i’m bi but i think the trauma of being hate crimed in that life is causing me to have internalized biphobia, because i love and support the lgbtq+ community and don’t hate being part of it, i just don’t want anyone to know and probably haven’t even said it out loud. i suppose this is why saphire told me “it’s okay. be who you are.” basically i’m guessing that i will find my partner in that life here, and they probably won’t be a male.
sorry this was really long and probably doesn’t make much sense it’s 8:26 am and i haven’t slept lol
tldr: i was a gay man in my past life who was beaten to death by my partner’s homophobic dad and some of my scars/birthmarks and trauma carried over into this life.
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2020.09.17 13:02 closeprotections Close Protection London Close Protection Services London

Close protection – is a concept that has been known for ages – it has been with us since early days of humankind and now its condition is more than satisfactory. Since time immemorial, people have tried to protect their wealth, assets, as well as their own health, life, and welfare. By means of the transfer of gathered goods, wealthy individuals have been paying other parties to protect them, their families, and possessions from others. As a general rule, young, notably strong, and grim-looking individuals have been considered perfectly suitable for such a job. The idea behind such a choice has been to scare away a potential adversary by taking advantage of the very looks of the guard. The aforementioned state of affairs has been observed for the consecutive ages. Wealthy landowners and kings created their own trusted guards (in ancient times and during the medieval age, those were troops designated to protect the authorities; later on, they were transformed into elite soldiers). Aside from serving representative and managerial purposes, such individuals were required to take care of their master and his beloved ones. In the 11th century England, during the Battle of Hastings, King Harold assembled a group of troops to protect his life and widely understood health condition. One may consider them to be the ancestors of modern bodyguards. As both civilization and society progressed, there were an increasing number of various organizations and people. Therefore, the risk of attack was significantly higher. Numerous authorities attempted to discourage potential aggressors from committing a crime by introducing severe forms of punishment. It must be noted, however, that there was still the question if it was enough to protect high authorities and the wealthy from the effects of outside attacks. The protection-oriented market has been developing to be – at some point – dominated by professional soldiers. The said progression has made it possible for police officers to investigate and deal with common, less dangerous crimes only. Together with technical revolution and the increasing social awareness, the number of citizens not satisfied with the current order skyrockets. It is likely to cause radical groups aiming at the change of the existing ruling paradigm to occur. This in turn may lead to anarchy and the increase in people willing to put their antisocial theories and plans into effect. The latter may start from sabotaging the work of others and demolishing valuable devices, but it may also end up in killings. If such a thing happens, one may openly talk about terrorism. The unusual social situation boosts the demand for personal protection. Both the army and police focus on securing the wellbeing of those of high position in the country. The rest of the threatened society must protect itself. The demand identified above has given rise to a new profession – a security guard. In the past, it was performed in a more or less organized fashion and that is why the effectiveness of arising task achievement varied. The attempt on Tsar’s Alexander the Second life on 1st March 1881 is a perfect exemplification of the formulated thesis. The ruler in question was attacked by the members of Narodnaya Volya at 2:15 P.M. A bomb was thrown under the carriage, but its explosion did not harm either the tsar or the horses. Alexander the Second, together with his companion including secret police representatives, started to assess damages. It was a mistake. At 2:20 P.M, yet another bomb was detonated. Its accuracy was notably higher as it managed to severely injure the tsar. He died relatively quickly, even with professional care he was under. At this point, it must be indicated that the demand for close protection increases. However, the perception of it is in a significant number of cases rather faulty, leading to pitiful outcomes. As it was hundreds of years earlier, modern people tend to hire grim musclemen to protect them, disregarding the fact that their intellectual level and possessed knowledge are negligible. Formerly, a test had to be passed in order for a person to be considered a bodyguard. Unfortunately, it does not hold true anymore. On numerous occasions, we can observe security guards stylized to look like stats of action movies, with the lack of intelligence written all over their faces. To give them justice, such people may also perform exceptionally well – up to the time they encounter a real attack. Unprofessional guards may be employed to protect rock stars or boxers. Real bodyguards of today are, however, highly skilled and motivated. They are trained to prevent rather than to counteract, as it may be too late in the latter case. Such people are capable of estimating potential risk and juxtaposing it with the resources at their disposal that may minimize it. Modern security guards are physically active, as well as skilled in giving first aid and driving a car defensively. They can fight without using any weapon – especially by taking advantage of psychology and persuasion. Such people are proficient in at least two languages and are characterized by an above-average intelligence level. The described model of a security guard is perfectly suited to current conditions and the needs of individuals hiring them.

VIP close protection over the world – organizations specializing in personal protection. One of the most famous and at the same time – the oldest organized bodies dealing with close protection was created in the 19th century. It was the American United States Secret Service. The USSS was created in 1865 as the US Treasury Law Enforcement Agency. Secret Service is the oldest national agency focusing entirely on investigations. Initially, their only task was to protect the economic structure of the country by means of preventing governmental cheques and bonds from being counterfeited. The mission was followed up to 1901, when president William McKinley was attacked in Buffalo (NY state). The assault resulted in appointing the Secret Service by the US Congress to protect the newly elected president, Theodore Roosevelt. In 1906, the Congress finally adopted the act on the responsibility of the Secret Service for the safety of the White House. Since 1950, the protection has been extended from presidents and first ladies only to vice-presidents as well. Before the murder of John F. Kennedy in 1963 and senator Robert F. Kennedy in 1968, the Secret Service had been a relatively small organization, employing as many as 284 agents. The discussed events translated directly into its rapid development. Currently, it is stated that over 5000 employees work for the Secret Service. Separate branches of the organization are located all over the United States, in Puerto Rico, and in other places all over the world (Paris, Lyon, London, Bonn, Rome, Milano, Hong Kong, Montreal, Lefkosa, Bogota, and Manila). The representatives of the organization are both secret agents (serving protection and investigation-related roles), as well as uniformed units responsible for the safety of the White House and diplomatic outposts. They maintain law and order by means of the network of both foot and motorized patrols, as well as of fixed posts. Such people also support other branches of the Secret Service. A wide scope of professional is also employed therein – those are electronics, engineers, communication experts, protection-related professionals, and IT workers. The Secret Service protects the president with his family, vice-president, elected vice-president, candidates for the said posts (from the 120th day before the elections onwards), former president, his children up to 16, as well as heads of other states staying in the USA in order to realize international missions. The unit of the Secret Service liable for taking care about the safety of the president in the White House fulfills its duties in identical uniforms. Due to the said fact, the Secret Service is sometimes referred to as the Uniformed Division. Its tasks also include the protection of president’s mansions, diplomatic outposts in Washington, and places alike located within the borders of the USA.

Another known formation is the Swiss Guard (Latin: Cohors Helvetica) which was for the very first time gathered on 22nd January 1506 by the then pope – Julius II. Its major aim was to protect the spiritual successor of Saint Peter and his palace. The pope wanted to grant himself protection from the enemies and avoid a political murder. In 1512, the Guard secured Vatican against French soldiers. The Defendants of the Church, as the representatives of the discussed formation were also called, had to face the biggest trail while taking care of pope Clemens VII during the invasion of Roman emperor, Charles V. The boldness, discipline, and resourcefulness of the representatives of the Guard made it possible to save the life of the pope, even though about 600 bold men died in the process. To commemorate the event, a solemn vow of the newly appointed guards takes place every year on 6th May. Each of the Swiss guards-to-be holds a banner in his left hand and raises his right hand with the thumb and two other fingers in an upright position (it is the symbol of the Holy Trinity). Then, the new soldiers promise to protect the pope and – to die in his defense if necessary. The representatives of the Swiss Guard are chosen from men between the age of 19 and 25 living in one of Swiss cantons (basing on contracts with Zurich and Lucerne). Each of them has to be at least 174 cm (5 feet and a half inch) tall and be an unmarried practicing Catholic (according to a special letter issued by the local bishop). Candidates for the service are properly trained, including teaching them how to use firearms, side arms, as well as how to defend themselves and establish proper contacts with other people. One of the items of the list is the proper usage of halberd. Currently, the number of soldiers in the Guard is estimated to circulate around 120, including officers, junior, and senior soldiers. They serve in the formation from two to twenty-five years. It must be also indicated at this point that officers and senior sergeants may be granted by the pope the right to enter into a holy matrimony. Aside from their characteristic outfit, soldiers are additionally equipped with halberds and Renaissance swords – those are the symbols of formation’s tradition. Nowadays, they are also fitted with firearms, tear gas, and excellent communication-oriented devices. With its almost five hundred years of heritage, the Swiss Guard is one of the oldest active defense-oriented groups in the world. One may assume that it will last until Switzerland and the Catholic Church exist.

Yet another example of a close protection-focused formation is the Cedrug Order, the major task of which is to take care about the ruler of Tibet – Dalai Lama. It comprises of national spiritual authorities who organized themselves in a form of an order. Thanks to strict upbringing, their physical strength is much higher than the one of secular officials. Therefore, the former are the most trusted soldiers caring about the safety of the leader of the nation. Cedurg School is located in the left wing of Potala – the palace of Dalai Lama, which is in turn situated in the Holy City of Lhasa (eastern Tibet, Kyitsu river valley). Every Tibet citizen is allowed to enroll to the school, but only chosen ones are granted the privilege to join the Order. For several hundred years, there have been a limited number of monks allowed, namely – 175. Only selected candidates have been worthy enough to defend the powerful Dalai Lama. Those are especially bold, tall, and muscular men. The representatives of the Order earned their name in 1959, when they protected the king of Tibet against Chinese adversaries.

One of the biggest organizations in the world established to consociate and train bodyguards is the International Bodyguard Association (IBA). The IBA was established in 1957 in Paris by major Lucien Victor Ott. Major Ott had been closely connected to the French Foreign Legion in Algeria since his early childhood. He had been born and raised in the said country. In 1947, he joined the French Special Forces and took part in France-Indochina war. Furthermore, he was the participant of the battle of Dien-Bien Phu that ended with the defeat of the French forces. He was being injured and captured by Vietminh. After a bold escape, he decided to join forces with the French Military Intelligence (Deuxieme Bureau). Major Lucien Ott got famous due to, inter alia, perfect securing of president Charles de Gaulle against the OAS terrorist organization. Thanks to him, 30 prepared attacks were foiled, 11 of which were aimed directly at the head of the state. After the death of the creator of a modern bodyguard profile, major Ott, one of his students – James G. Shortt took care of the management of the IBA. As a young man, he had joined a cadet school. Later on, he had become landing operation troops officer and a member of the elite SAS (Special Air Service) unit. Moreover, during his service, he also taught soldiers in Afghanistan the art of Mujahedeen war. Currently, he teaches security guards, police officers, and soldiers all over the world in the IBA branches. The main aim of the organization is to properly prepare bodyguards-to-be to properly perform their duties. It is not an entity employing such individuals, but those who have presented exceptional skills may become members of royal, diplomatic, or personal guards recommended by the IBA. Coaches being the representatives of the organization trained bodyguards in Estonia, Latvia, and Lithuania, as well as helped during the Baltic Crisis between 1989 and 1991. The qualifications of the International Bodyguard Association are exceptional, international, and backed by the documentation concerning the organization of training sessions for the military, governmental authorities, police, and private bodyguards all over the world. Such undertakings have been continuously performed since 1957. The IBA also operates and trains willing individuals in Poland. Its branch was established in the said country in 1992. The basic training offered to candidates includes 60 hours of comprehensive preparation divided into six consecutive days. After its completion, the candidates are required to undergo the so-called refresher once a year. It is one of the conditions of the membership in the IBA.

Another training organization worth mentioning is the ESI - Executive Security International. It must be highlighted that it is one of the biggest and most appreciated American companies oriented towards training personal protection guards. Its second name is as follows: Bodyguard Training Academy for Executive, Dignitary and Celebrity Protection. The ESI was formed at the beginning of the 80s by Bob Duggan – martial arts expert and master in Hwarang Do. Its creation had been preceded by the establishment of the very first bodyguard training program by the Martial Arts Academy in Aspen, Colorado. The ESI, being one of the USA’s private schools, offers its students over 2000 hours of education with regard to protection, investigation, data gathering, company and individual security, etc. The training unit of the organization is situated high up in the mountains and is run by skilled professionals. Fun fact – film writer, Tracy Keenan Wynn, cooperates with the ESI. His preeminent task has been to create scenarios of situational exercises. While writing them, the said individual takes advantage of real life situations and attacks, such as assaults on Aldo Moro, John Paul the Second, kidnapping of Hans Martin Schleyer by the RAF (Red Army Faction), and scenarios alike. The ESI collaborates with corporations operating in the close protection branch of industry, as well as with the police and military. The organized training sessions are top secret. No journalists are allowed to enter the Aspen unit. Due to the fact that the ESI is a private school, it may provide professional training to civil, police-related, and military institutions all over the world.

The citizens of Israel have never had the chance to feel safe in their country. The issue of safety has been always treated seriously there. Aside from a constant Israel-Arab world conflict threat, the Israelis have been the subjects of terrorist attracts, both within the borders of their country and outside it. Jews and Americans are most frequent victims of operations organized by highly skilled terrorist groups. Taking into account the impact the Russian mafia has on Israel, the amount of care put on widely understood safety is fully justified. The Israeli Special Forces protect their citizens by means of intelligence and security-oriented undertakings. They host training sessions in various organizations preparing bodyguards, providing the adepts with the experience gained during the service. Most famous units of the said kind in Israel are undoubtedly the ISA - International Security Academy and the ISS - International Security School.

ISA is an international organization established and managed by former leaders, police instructors, and special service members. The very first unit of the ISA was formed in Latvia as a training and advising agency for both governmental and private security guards belonging to the Baltic States and the countries of the former USSR. The fact that the ISA is not exclusively Israeli in character is proved by the figure of the organization chairman, major Urlich Wegener – the creator and very first leader of German Border Control Service called GSG 9. The team of instructors and coaches also has international roots. The credo of the organization is that the preparation of the individuals for the proper protection of others is the key. Such people have to be offered highest quality training, extensive knowledge, and practical background. The ISS training programs are based predominantly on the experiences gained in Israel and in other countries, as well as while training people for the purpose of protecting VIPs over the world. Individuals, governmental authorities, and large-size corporations have been taking advantage of the services provided by the ISA/ISS.

At the moment, civil bodyguards are also involved in close protection. The safety of the individuals hiring them, as well as their possessions depends highly on the qualifications of the former. Quite frequently, those are former policemen, soldiers, or special force members. However, a number of inexperienced adepts would like to start their adventure with personal protection as well. Are they bound to fail in their attempts? It is not always so. The most crucial component affecting the effectiveness of the training is one’s psychological preparation. It is a commonly known fact that it is exceptional in former police officers and troops. However, it is a common belief that one can be trained how to perform the job of a bodyguard, just as it is possible to teach a person how to shoot or be properly engaged in melee combat. It all depends on one’s motivation and willingness to achieve success in the industry. Regulations to date limit the training process of a security guard to the moment of being awarded with a license. In order to perform his tasks properly, such a person has to constantly improve his skills and qualifications.

Phenomena connected with the need of utilization of close protection techniques – Terrorism/Terrorist. It goes without saying that terrorism is one of the biggest threats of today’s world. While analyzing the severity of attacks and their scale, one should not doubt that VIPs should be at all possible occasions protected against the aforementioned forms of assault. In order to assess the threat a given problem pose, its specificity must be identified at first. The notion of „terrorism” was for the first time in history used during the Conference of the International Criminal Law Association in Brussels, in 1930. To date, there have been approximately 200 various definitions of the phenomenon in question. While trying to grasp its characteristic features, one will face a number of limitations and difficulties. One of statements of historian Walter Laqueur has to be touched upon here. While asked why he has been avoiding formulating an unequivocal definition of terrorism, he replied: „For 50 or so years, people are constantly trying to understand the idea behind terrorism. It is a phenomenon having different forms, depending on its place of origin and epoch. How can one find common ground between Russian revolutionists from the end of the 19th century and Al-Qaida anarchists?

Terrorism is mainly based on the utilization of force or threat in order to achieve political or ideological goals. It is hard to say something beyond that. Terrorism is like pornography – it escapes logical classification, but if one sees it – then it becomes apparent.” It is hard to argue with the statement, as it perfectly shows the complexity of the phenomenon in question. For the purpose of this publication, a strict definition of terrorism is not needed. All that is required is the utterance formulated by Walter Laqueur stating that terrorism can be most fully perceived through its manifestations. Terrorist acts are undoubtedly illegal, as they are based on kidnapping people and forcedly taking control over means of communication, economic sabotage, attacks, robberies, demanding ransom to finance organization’s own activity, posing threat to life, health, and freedom of authorities, and kidnapping people from outside the area in order to gain publicity (especially journalists, priests, voluntary workers). One may also indicate the usage of explosives and firearms in public areas and poisoning certain spots by means of radioactive materials and chemicals. Longin Tadeusz Szmidt additionally pointed out that terrorism has always been strictly connected with crafty and hard to identify methods of killing the leaders of nations. While describing the phenomenon of terrorism as a threat for the protected person, one should also point out and indicate its sources. The following are enumerated: - social and economic sources that are directly connected to economic crises, social tensions, social and national discrimination, as well as with the perception of dissonance between the factual reality and the one presented by the media; - historical and political sources. They have their beginning in severe social reactions, demanding full democratization and respecting human rights; - sociological sources that may be related to the atmosphere typical for a given country or the so-called spirit of violence; - psychological sources stating that a significant part of terrorists is highly mentally unstable which is additionally combined with the overly high self-esteem. When it comes to the area of attack, the following are proposed by the experts: - land terrorism (the major threat area for VIPs and the key one for security guards), - air terrorism (personal protection is then entrusted to the authorities managing planes, airports, etc.), and – maritime terrorism (tasks and responsibilities are then similar to air attacks). While taking into account the type of terroristic activities, one may distinguish: bombing-based, nuclear, biological, chemical, technical, cybernetic (attacks on IT networks), and narcotic-oriented (narcotic cartels undertakings) terrorism. The highest threat for VIPs is undoubtedly the first type, namely – bombing-based one. Close protection-oriented undertakings should therefore incorporate the knowledge on paradigms effective during a bomb attack. They will be discussed in further sections of this publication. It is exceptionally difficult to argue with the thesis that we must be protected against terrorism. The same applies to VIPs. The importance of the latter is also worth discussing, as the threat is much higher when a top authority is attacked than when the assault poses threat to a pop star or a wealthy businessman. However, it does not limit the necessity to analyze and counteract terroristic attack threat. It may directly impact the safety of the person a given security guard is responsible for.

Crime is also one of the issues that may endanger protected VIPs. Up to the beginning of the 80s, Poland had been considered to be one of the safest countries in Europe. Law enforcement bodies had been numerous and properly financed there, and crime forecasting, prevention, and penalizing schemes had met all the European standards. However, at the end of the discussed period, the myth of threat-free Poland started to crumble. The effects of crime fighting scene were becoming gradually more negligible. The said state of affairs was predominantly caused by the decreasing trust in law enforcing organizations, as well as by the rapid increase in crimes committed by the citizens. Another important aspect that must be taken into account were economic and political changes taking place in 1989,the liberalization of economic activity, and the emergence of free market. Some individuals possessed unimaginable riches, whereas others were exceptionally poor. In order to survive till the next day, the latter searched for the answer in crimes, leading to the occurrence of the phenomenon commonly known as organized crime. According to official data from 2001, within the borders of Poland, there were over 400 organized crime groups consociating approximately 45 thousand people. They were generating profits by means of goods smuggling, selling stolen cars, producing and marketing narcotics, counterfeiting national currency, commuting bank frauds, selling firearms, and – what is of exceptional importance from the point of view of VIPs – demanding ransom. Criminals induce fear in the society, especially due to using terror and blackmailing. They do not hesitate to kidnap others or kill them. Such individuals resort to brutal treatment, such as beating, torturing, drowning, etc. All those factors combined directly translate into wealthy representatives of the society feeling threatened. What is more, criminals frequently tend to attack the family of a VIP as well, in order to convince him to perform a given action. Therefore, children, wife, and beloved ones of such an individual must be highly protected.

Popularity/Fame –The threat of attack may be in some cases linked to the popularity of a given human being. When a VIP is in isolation, then he may only receive unwanted phone calls or be nagged by photographers. The problem arises when he has to leave his place of permanent residence or workplace, as well as when he is in a publically accessible place. Danger may still be low, but the inquisitiveness of journalist may quickly become overwhelming. Fans or supporters of a given sportsman or artist may cause havoc in order to touch their idol or get hold of any item belonging to him or her. Of course, there is also the risk of serious injuries or even death (let us take John Lennon as an example) – it cannot be neglected. That is why famous and popular individuals should by all means care about their safety. The matter also concerns politicians who are widely recognizable and controversial. In politics, there are no limitations. Opponents may even resort to killing a representative of the other side to impose his or her right on others. Elected politicians tend to have close protection, but care should be additionally exercised to care about those running in elections. Such VIPs may be ridiculed by the crowd or the opposition (by throwing eggs or pouring water over the candidate), leading to the end of their political career. The role of security guards should in the aforementioned cases not be limited to physical protection only. They must also keep information about VIP’s family, realized projects, and operation profile confidential. The image of a famous person highly depends on the bodyguards being in his immediate surroundings. The manner of their operation, professionalism, and knowledge are top priorities there.

Attack on person – By definition, attack on person is the attempt to kill someone, steal his or her possessions, as well as to kidnap him or her. The criminal action in question has a long history, as assaults have been made throughout the consecutive ages. Their goal has been to achieve a political, economic, or cultural aim. Attacks on person may lead to tremendous changes in the society, which is perfectly depicted by the killing of John Kennedy and Icchak Rabin. In the majority of cases, however, such an attack does not have significantly far-reaching consequences. In order to be effective, bodyguards must answer themselves the following questions – why do criminals attack? How do they attack? How may the assault look like? Therefore, it is highly advised to specify the motif, methods utilized, and consecutive stages of one and every attack on person. Taking into account motifs, one must bear in mind that all the assaults have their agenda. No attack is made voluntarily, without forethought. In the following sections, most common causes of the aforementioned activity are going to be enumerated:

Revolutionary or political ones – organized groups (frequently consisting of fanatics) attack others in order to force the society to change the existing system or overthrow the current government (in the attempt to choose a new one). Their victims are often the authorities ruling the country. The attackers, who follow their revolutionary or political agenda, try to win the sympathy of other representatives of the society. Long before the planned attack itself, they distribute leaflets blaming current rulers for the widespread injustice. According to their belief, the elimination of the elites in power would bring positive outcomes for the whole country. Such an action was performed in Armenia in 1999, where members of the government were shot dead during one of their meetings. The terrorists informed that their death would improve the national situation.

Economic – terrorists claim that their potential victim is responsible for the poor economic condition of the country, company, or a group of people. In the majority of cases, economic attacks take place in countries where there are extreme disproportions between the wealthy and the poor. It must be taken into consideration, however that it is not always the case, as the assessment of the attackers tend to be highly subjective. Quite frequently, the cause of the assault is the personal conviction that the unsatisfying economic condition of the terrorist is the result of actions performed by the victim. It pushes the attacker into thinking that killing him would aid the situation.

Personal – In this case, the wrongdoers are motivated to make an attack due to jealousy, vengeance or other personal causes. Those people in many cases have notable personality disorders, manifesting themselves especially in the inability to control their behavior. The aforementioned state also leads to the failure to distinguish reality from fiction. A perfect exemplification of the motif in question is shooting Zuzanna Leśniak and an artist – Andrzej Zaucha by Yves Goulais in 1991. The trigger there was jealousy.

Ideological – The terrorist is convinced that the victim chosen by him has been threatening the values and principles followed by the attacker. The said rules are often of significant importance for both the group he belongs to and for himself personally. Ideological attacks on a person may be religious or social in character. The first case is oriented towards killing a religious person in the attempt to make it impossible for him to achieve his goals. The second scenario relates to the willingness to eliminate the leader of a given social group. Quite frequently, the additional agenda is to make the organization the terrorist is a part of more memorable and popular in the media. Free publicity is an additional benefit then.

Psychological – The most commonplace group of attacks. Modern psychology claims that every person using firearms, stabbing others with a knife, or taking advantage of explosives has been struggling with mental problems. The motif is of negligible importance, as the attacker may justify his actions with revolutionary, economic, or personal goals, but the fact is that the driving force is the inability to perceive the world correctly. The assassination of Bill Clinton in 1994 illustrates the above bluntly. Francisco Martin Duran stated that he had attacked Clinton to destroy the mist connecting him to an alien entity. Apparently, Duran wanted to eliminate the mist in order to save the world. Attacks considered as crimes may be triggered by a myriad of factors. Among them,there are: - clashes between the representatives of a crime organization, willingness to demonstrate one’s power or threat the victim (attempt to force the latter to pay ransom or forget about debts), - desire to kill suspects that may endanger one’s business, - attempt to exert pressure on certain individuals or to threaten them for their professional achievements (relates to, inter alia, attorneys and tax collectors).

Attack methods to be considered by security guards. Close range attack. It may be performed by means of utilization of: - firearms, - melee weapon (knife, bayonet, dagger), - chemical substance (for example: toxic substance, such as hydrochloric acid). There are no exceptional skills needed to successfully attack a person, as almost everybody can use a knife or a dagger to a satisfactory extent. The same goes with firearms, the utilization of which is as difficult as driving a car. The aforementioned types of weapons can be transported to the place of the assault with ease. The characteristic feature of this attack type is the fact that the wrongdoer is situated maximally several centimeters away from the victim. The difficulty here is directly connected with the inability to improvise the act. It must be preceded by a prolonged observation of the subject, learning his or her customs, daily routine, places he or she visits, and the protection type he or she uses. Only after drawing proper conclusions from the examination, can the terrorist attack the victim. Marek Papała, a police commissioner, was killed due to a close range attack in 1998, Warsaw.

Long-range attack – in this case firearms are often used, especially rifles and carbines. It is not an uncommon situation to learn about an attacker who has used a sniper rifle fitted with professional laser and optical aiming devices. The distance between the wrongdoer and the subject of the attack is commonly higher than 5 meters. The former must also be much more skilled than a close range attacker, as he has to be capable of utilizing a professional gun in an effective manner. The death of John Kennedy in Dallas on 22nd November 1963 was the result of the attack form in question. Lee Harvey Oswald, who was a former marine soldier, shot his subject from a storage located several meters away from president’s cavalcade. To perform the act, he used Mannlicher-Carcano, cal. 6.5 mm rifle. The proficiency of the attacker was proven by the fact that he fired three shots and only one of them missed the target.

Attack with explosives – it requires notable skills, for the wrongdoers has to build a bomb before performing the attack. He must also know how and where to plant the explosive, how to situate the fuse inside and where to detonate it. Such a person also has to be familiar with the effects of explosion. Assault on Margaret Thatcher on 12th October 1984 showed how patient and clever can an attacker taking advantage of explosives be. Patrick Magee, a member of Irish Republican Army, moved into the hotel where the British prime minister was expected to stay 24 days before the said fact. Every single day, he worked meticulously destroying the wall and placing a 50-kilogram explosive inside the hole. The bomb was then fitted with a timer. It exploded when Miss Thatcher was considered to wash herself in the bathroom – the attacker was perfectly acquainted with her customs. She would have died if she had not received a document to be read. The explosive was detonated five floors above the bathroom located in the apartment of the „Iron Lady”. Six other people died as a result, but the suspect managed to avoid the clever assassination.

If you are looking to hire close protection in London do not wait and contact us immiedletly for professional bodyguard services in London.
submitted by closeprotections to u/closeprotections [link] [comments]


2020.09.17 12:26 Fatalgrin 31 [M4F] CO/Anywhere Looking for someone to chat with about games or anime

31M living in a small town in Colorado. I'm big into gaming and anime, and I'd love to find some ladies to chat with about really anything. This small town has ZERO prospects for dating. And Apps are annoying. so if you wanna late night chat let me know.
Games I play - League of Legends, Spellbreak, Factorio, Minecraft, MTG, D&D, Plus many others.
Anime I have Watched recently - Currently watching God of highschool, Black Clover, SAO season 4, The Misfit of Demon King Academy. Plus many many other anime i have watched in the past.
So anyway hit me up if you would like to chat or need a gaming buddy! and if you don't have a nice day anyway!!!
submitted by Fatalgrin to r4r [link] [comments]


2020.09.17 11:28 cocksparkles I think I was in an abusive relationship?

Have I been in an abusive relationship? This is a long one friends! But plz help
Im 23, female. I just spent the last 6 months dating this man. We fell in love, I mean head over heels can’t eat can’t sleep butterflies every time LOVE. We were best friends for a year.. long distance friends too (like 13 mother Fuckin colonies away)..We FaceTimed like every day, really told each other a ton. I got to know him and we formed a friendship and actually hung out as friends many times whenever he was in town to see his sister. We never had any sort of romantic feelings until I went and visited him briefly while already in town with my mom. We spend some time alone and everything felt like it changed. Then I convinced him to come visit me while living with my parents in NC. That’s when we fell in love, that we’re together. He left to go back to NH and I was so depressed. Things go off to a rocky start from the beginning as I suffer from GED (generalized anxiety disorder), frequent panic attacks and some of my stress response triggers are traveling, being away from my parents, and guys (of course). So needless to say when I told him about this, being the conqueror-type that he is pushed me into driving 14 hours up north with him to visit his home in NH the next time he drove to down to visit me. My parents loved him and trusted him to take care of me. Let’s just say my GED and panic attacks were a lot stronger than he had anticipated. The entire ride up I had anxiety.. 11 hours of puking and racing thoughts and waves of uncontrollable nausea. Long story short he helped me through my panic attacks and manage my triggers when it came to travel. It took him about a week to nurse me back to health. Then I started smoking weed for my symptoms Bc he smoked and wanted to see if it helped. It did. I smoked every day for 6 months straight when I was with him. Everything was going great and I spent nearly two months up there. We went back and forth from NC a few times to visit my family and each time it got harder and harder to say goodbye. It’s like my body was physically ill at the thought of going back up north with my bf and leaving my family. The anxiety on the way back up wasn’t as bad but still took its toll. Randomly one night we were staying with my family he woke me up to tell me he had cheated on me after he went home that first week he visited. I was devastated.. hindsight I should’ve ended it there but the situation was complicated and I had little to no time to decide if I wanted him to leave and go 14 hours back up north or stay, lie to everyone, act like everything is ok and work it out. I chose to work it out. But looking back it’s like after he told me, I was constantly consoling him every time I would want to talk about it. As our relationship got more intense we made plans for forever. We wanted to move to this specific city at the end of the year. It didn’t end up working out and I ended up kind of moving up north with him. Which was a HUGE step for my GED. I clearly wasn’t ready but he felt like since he had put in so much work and time and effort into helping me with my GED, that I should be ok and he deserved to have me stay. Let’s just say my anxiety became a lot harder to manage after he told me about the cheating.. I didn’t trust him! I was constantly worried about him around other women. I saw red flags in him, but I thought I was emotionally intelligent enough to help him because almost all of the red flags were from lack of life experience. But now I can see it wasn’t healthy. I was so dependent on him for my anxiety, and constantly tiptoeing around his emotions. If he had one thing bad happen it would ruin his mood all day. HE NEVER LAYED A HAND ON ME! But it feels like he raped my mind. I decided to leave a couple days ago and let’s just say worst week of my life. He wanted to go on this ski trip to Colorado on New Years which I wasn’t comfortable going on without more progress managing my GED. Plus it was originally supposed to be him and two or three guy friends but now it’s 10 people I don’t know in a house with couples and girls and guys. He was bummed I couldn’t go, but then I realized I didn’t want him to go. I didn’t trust him around other women.. I had only found out about the cheating 2.5 months ago, and what was I gonna do for New Years? When I said this he basically threw a tantrum and pity party until I was so incredibly miserable I finally gave in and just said fuck it, go! Then he snapped right back to the amazing caretaker I was used to. I was so dissatisfied and knew how unfair this all was. That snowballed into me deciding to leave for an indefinite amount of time, with all of my things. After I told him my dad was coming up to pack me up and fly me home, he pretty much lost it. We were miserable for three days straight until my dad got there. And I mean PANIC ATTACK AFTER PANIC ATTACK. no food for four days, (I have never had an eating disorder my appetite comes and goes with symptoms) barely any water, just smoking myself to sleep and taking a Xanax as needed with my anxiety symptoms. It was horrible. He just made me feel guilty for my decision. I credited my decision to not being able to manage my anxiety well enough now and I need a break from it. It was a really really sad goodbye. But now after doing it and leaving I feel so strange. I’m sad obviously because I miss my best friend and the person I just spent the past 6 months with, but there are some very new feelings as well. I’m having trouble being on my own a little, or I just feel weird on my own. I know that’s normal, but I feel like I have new triggers Bc of the relationship. And I’m constantly unsure of myself, constantly apologizing for everything, and depressed as shit obviously. I feel like the more i look back, the more mental abuse I see, and the more tangled my emotions and brain get. I’ve always been fiercely independent, never one to stay in long term relationships or depend on anyone other than my parents so this is all new to me. Our relationship was so intense with so many obstacles and I know he felt the bumps like me. I see exactly why he behaves the way he behaves and where it comes from. His past is complicated, as anyone’s is. It’s like I knew something was wrong, and I knew I was being mentally abused, I just didn’t know how much. Here were some things he has said to me that stuck out. Please keep in mind I don’t want to trash talk him I’m pretty fragile, just want to talk about the abuse aspect. Anyways I’m back with my parents, in an area where I don’t have many friends, but I’ve been calling and FaceTiming them every day and have a great support system. Will also be looking for a therapist for many reasons. Also I didn’t leave him for lack of love... theres still plenty of love for him in my heart and I’ll always only want the best for him. It’s horrible because apart from these things I’m about to say, he was just right for me. And I don’t think he was ever conscious of the fact he was abusing me.
“Always something with you” “All you do is complain all day” “You won’t fit into my cousins pants she’s a twig” “Your parents have brainwashed you” All things similar to this. Also constant micromanaging and criticizing. He was bossy, dominant, ya know toxic masculinity and all that. But also well read, well traveled, kind, intelligent, funny, and adventurous.
I have accomplished SO much in this relationship I can’t regret it. I helped him through a lot too, and could never part with him in distain.
Alright Reddit do your thing..
submitted by cocksparkles to TrueOffMyChest [link] [comments]


2020.09.17 11:27 cocksparkles Was I mentally abused by my S/o?

Have I been in an abusive relationship? This is a long one friends! But plz help
Im 23, female. I just spent the last 6 months dating this man. We fell in love, I mean head over heels can’t eat can’t sleep butterflies every time LOVE. We were best friends for a year.. long distance friends too (like 13 mother Fuckin colonies away)..We FaceTimed like every day, really told each other a ton. I got to know him and we formed a friendship and actually hung out as friends many times whenever he was in town to see his sister. We never had any sort of romantic feelings until I went and visited him briefly while already in town with my mom. We spend some time alone and everything felt like it changed. Then I convinced him to come visit me while living with my parents in NC. That’s when we fell in love, that we’re together. He left to go back to NH and I was so depressed. Things go off to a rocky start from the beginning as I suffer from GED (generalized anxiety disorder), frequent panic attacks and some of my stress response triggers are traveling, being away from my parents, and guys (of course). So needless to say when I told him about this, being the conqueror-type that he is pushed me into driving 14 hours up north with him to visit his home in NH the next time he drove to down to visit me. My parents loved him and trusted him to take care of me. Let’s just say my GED and panic attacks were a lot stronger than he had anticipated. The entire ride up I had anxiety.. 11 hours of puking and racing thoughts and waves of uncontrollable nausea. Long story short he helped me through my panic attacks and manage my triggers when it came to travel. It took him about a week to nurse me back to health. Then I started smoking weed for my symptoms Bc he smoked and wanted to see if it helped. It did. I smoked every day for 6 months straight when I was with him. Everything was going great and I spent nearly two months up there. We went back and forth from NC a few times to visit my family and each time it got harder and harder to say goodbye. It’s like my body was physically ill at the thought of going back up north with my bf and leaving my family. The anxiety on the way back up wasn’t as bad but still took its toll. Randomly one night we were staying with my family he woke me up to tell me he had cheated on me after he went home that first week he visited. I was devastated.. hindsight I should’ve ended it there but the situation was complicated and I had little to no time to decide if I wanted him to leave and go 14 hours back up north or stay, lie to everyone, act like everything is ok and work it out. I chose to work it out. But looking back it’s like after he told me, I was constantly consoling him every time I would want to talk about it. As our relationship got more intense we made plans for forever. We wanted to move to this specific city at the end of the year. It didn’t end up working out and I ended up kind of moving up north with him. Which was a HUGE step for my GED. I clearly wasn’t ready but he felt like since he had put in so much work and time and effort into helping me with my GED, that I should be ok and he deserved to have me stay. Let’s just say my anxiety became a lot harder to manage after he told me about the cheating.. I didn’t trust him! I was constantly worried about him around other women. I saw red flags in him, but I thought I was emotionally intelligent enough to help him because almost all of the red flags were from lack of life experience. But now I can see it wasn’t healthy. I was so dependent on him for my anxiety, and constantly tiptoeing around his emotions. If he had one thing bad happen it would ruin his mood all day. HE NEVER LAYED A HAND ON ME! But it feels like he raped my mind. I decided to leave a couple days ago and let’s just say worst week of my life. He wanted to go on this ski trip to Colorado on New Years which I wasn’t comfortable going on without more progress managing my GED. Plus it was originally supposed to be him and two or three guy friends but now it’s 10 people I don’t know in a house with couples and girls and guys. He was bummed I couldn’t go, but then I realized I didn’t want him to go. I didn’t trust him around other women.. I had only found out about the cheating 2.5 months ago, and what was I gonna do for New Years? When I said this he basically threw a tantrum and pity party until I was so incredibly miserable I finally gave in and just said fuck it, go! Then he snapped right back to the amazing caretaker I was used to. I was so dissatisfied and knew how unfair this all was. That snowballed into me deciding to leave for an indefinite amount of time, with all of my things. After I told him my dad was coming up to pack me up and fly me home, he pretty much lost it. We were miserable for three days straight until my dad got there. And I mean PANIC ATTACK AFTER PANIC ATTACK. no food for four days, (I have never had an eating disorder my appetite comes and goes with symptoms) barely any water, just smoking myself to sleep and taking a Xanax as needed with my anxiety symptoms. It was horrible. He just made me feel guilty for my decision. I credited my decision to not being able to manage my anxiety well enough now and I need a break from it. It was a really really sad goodbye. But now after doing it and leaving I feel so strange. I’m sad obviously because I miss my best friend and the person I just spent the past 6 months with, but there are some very new feelings as well. I’m having trouble being on my own a little, or I just feel weird on my own. I know that’s normal, but I feel like I have new triggers Bc of the relationship. And I’m constantly unsure of myself, constantly apologizing for everything, and depressed as shit obviously. I feel like the more i look back, the more mental abuse I see, and the more tangled my emotions and brain get. I’ve always been fiercely independent, never one to stay in long term relationships or depend on anyone other than my parents so this is all new to me. Our relationship was so intense with so many obstacles and I know he felt the bumps like me. I see exactly why he behaves the way he behaves and where it comes from. His past is complicated, as anyone’s is. It’s like I knew something was wrong, and I knew I was being mentally abused, I just didn’t know how much. Here were some things he has said to me that stuck out. Please keep in mind I don’t want to trash talk him I’m pretty fragile, just want to talk about the abuse aspect. Anyways I’m back with my parents, in an area where I don’t have many friends, but I’ve been calling and FaceTiming them every day and have a great support system. Will also be looking for a therapist for many reasons. Also I didn’t leave him for lack of love... theres still plenty of love for him in my heart and I’ll always only want the best for him. It’s horrible because apart from these things I’m about to say, he was just right for me. And I don’t think he was ever conscious of the fact he was abusing me.
“Always something with you” “All you do is complain all day” “You won’t fit into my cousins pants she’s a twig” “Your parents have brainwashed you” All things similar to this. Also constant micromanaging and criticizing. He was bossy, dominant, ya know toxic masculinity and all that. But also well read, well traveled, kind, intelligent, funny, and adventurous.
I have accomplished SO much in this relationship I can’t regret it. I helped him through a lot too, and could never part with him in distain.
Alright Reddit do your thing..
submitted by cocksparkles to relationship_advice [link] [comments]


2020.09.17 11:05 biggieraptors College depression

I just started college. I’m from Colorado, and moved all the way out to hawaii with my girlfriend to go to a university over here. Needless to say, the dream that we had about this place in sophomore year has been fucking destroyed by covid - and with it, I feel like my mental has as well.
I was (and truly still do try to be) a very healthy person and was on a very strong streak before I left for college. I am a kinesiology and exercise science major and I plan to be a physical therapist and personal trainer in the future, so I take health and exercise very seriously. Back at home, while the gym was closed I bought myself a bunch of equipment that kept me working out 7 days a week and then when the gym reopened I went back to 6 days a week. At 5’8, 145-150 lbs, I struggle with weight gain and have my whole life. I’ll talk about this later in the post. Anyways, exercise was my fucking everything. No matter what I was doing that day, I had to go to the gym and get my push, pull, or lower body workout in. It would destroy my mood if I didn’t. If I wasn’t there, I was with my girlfriend who is my best friend in the entire world and the only person I can confide with anything and one of three people I can feel 100% myself with. We’ve been fighting a bit lately but because we essentially are roommates (I’ve pretty much moved into her dorm; we push the beds together) we spend 24/7 with each other, so it’s a given. Me and her have been dating for almost 3 years now, and we’ve spent almost every single day of those 3 years together...I don’t regret one minute of it. Without her, I genuinely think I’d be dead.
I also had my two best friends back in Colorado. I’ve known one of them since kindergarten, and the other since like 2nd grade. We hung out regularly and it really felt good because for one, it obviously gets a little tiring to be with a girl all the time when you just want to release some testosterone, talk sports and video games, etc. Those guys are lifelong friends, and, again, without them I really believe I’d be dead. The other friends I had in high school left me for dead when I reached a .38% BAC spring break of my freshman year - so, needless to say, my 2 friends were all I had other than my girlfriend. My family has never been close to me and have always favored my older sister, so I was very close with my girlfriends very extensive family, but, again, she has two sisters, a single mother, and the majority of her family are women...I needed my 2 best friends to feel like a man, if you get what I mean. Anyways, one of my friends ended up going to Miami, and one of them went to Boulder, so, we’re 3000-6000 miles apart from each other. It fucking sucks. We still have groupchats and send memes and talk every day...but it’s not the same.
When I got here, I was expecting the absolute best. It’s hawaii. Paradise. Beaches, hikes everyday - that’s what I thought when I got here. I was very quickly proven wrong. COVID is really bad on Oahu, so we had to do a 14 day stay-on-campus quarantine. I had gone to the gym the day before I left Colorado, so I was itching to get back and not fall off my rhythm. I shipped all my supplements with me and some resistance bands, an ab rollout wheel, a yoga mat, and a couple other small things to get a workout in, but to this day, I have only used the yoga mat once. The gym was open for the last 2 days of my bubble quarantine, but I was obviously not allowed to go to it because of the quarantine rules. The only thing I was thinking of was being able to get out of the quarantine and step in the gym, feel some sense of familiarity to home. The day I got out of my quarantine, all gyms around honolulu closed. That was on September 1st. It’s been a month since I have truly worked out. I feel like I’m losing my fucking mind, and I have 0 motivation to do bodyweight workouts or use my equipment.
Remember how I said I was going to talk about weight gain later in my post? I go to the gym because I have super fucking severe BDD. I can’t look at myself in the mirror, I’ve had literal panic attacks doing it. When I go to the bathroom, I don’t take my glasses so I can’t see myself clearly if I accidentally look in the mirror. I’ve been pretty skinny my whole life and although I know I’ve gained a lot of muscle (but, because of the BDD, I can’t really comprehend how much I actually have) I still feel like I’m a fucking twig. I’ve spent days of my life crying over this, wanting to kill myself because I think it won’t get better, and I was forcing myself in the gym to change that. People at work back home would always call me swole and stuff like that, which would always boost my mood, and my friends and girlfriend would repeat those remarks...but my brain just can’t accept it. I’m 5’8, varying from 145-150 lbs. I feel like I look like a child, and now that I’m going to the beach out here regularly, I have to take my shirt off and fucking hate having to look at myself, and realize others are looking at me. I feel so skinny. I can’t go to the gym, covid gets worse here every day and it probably won’t open anytime soon. I feel like I’m not eating enough because of the fucking god awful workload from college, and I’m avidly trying to eat. I feel like I’m losing muscle mass, I feel like I’m getting skinnier and I already felt skinny. I haven’t been happy since the day I’ve gotten here...I’ve genuinely been at the lowest point of my entire life. A kinesiology major is 5’8, probably weighs 145 lbs, and hasn’t gone to the gym in months. Oh, and I also have really bad anterior pelvic tilt, lower back pain (worked at a tire shop for two years), and really bad rounded shoulders. My upper back muscles are really developed and my lower back muscles are not, giving me a thin waist (I wear a size 29) and leading to a large curvature of my back (this condition is called kyphosis, which, I refuse to look up because I don’t want to know if I have that on top of all my other fucking problems. Online learning makes these postural connected issues so, so much worse. My upper back (scapular area) is so fucking tight all the time, my rounded shoulders are super fucking tight and if I push on them they are in agonizing pain. I don’t know what to do about all this. I’ve watched hundreds of YouTube videos and very little has helped, one routine that I do negates the other one. I can’t afford a physical therapist, or a trainer. This is what a guy who was working out 6 days a week has negated to.
I have no friends other than my girlfriend here. I’m a pretty shy person and because of that thing I mentioned about my friends leaving me for dead, I’ve been extremely cynical of people since then. I had “work friends” at work only, but the only people I truly trusted were my girlfriend and two best friends. I don’t want to go out and make friends based on what I’ve seen of the people here, but I feel lonely. Again, if I didn’t have my girlfriend, I don’t know where I’d be.
With all of these issues, missing home, missing my friends, missing my dog, the college workload and the fact that with online school I’m essentially teaching myself, I have never been in a darker place my entire life. I’ve echoed this to my friends, who have easily made friends at their colleges and are having great times, and I’ve echoed this to my girlfriend, and they both told me to find a therapist. I’m 18. I’m a broke college student. My parents aren’t gonna pay for therapy. I’m making this because I need to get this off my chest. I don’t know what to do. I would never hurt myself, but I feel so fucking terrible every day. There’s so much more I could say...but this is what it’s been so far. I want to be home so bad. I wish I was a fucking kid again. I probably won’t come back here next semester...but how the fuck do I do this for another 3 months.
submitted by biggieraptors to therapy [link] [comments]


2020.09.17 08:40 cocksparkles Have I been in an abusive relationship? This is a long one friends! But plz help

Im 23, female. I just spent the last 6 months dating this man. We fell in love, I mean head over heels can’t eat can’t sleep butterflies every time LOVE. We were best friends for a year.. long distance friends too (like 13 mother Fuckin colonies away)..We FaceTimed like every day, really told each other a ton. I got to know him and we formed a friendship and actually hung out as friends many times whenever he was in town to see his sister. We never had any sort of romantic feelings until I went and visited him briefly while already in town with my mom. We spend some time alone and everything felt like it changed. Then I convinced him to come visit me while living with my parents in NC. That’s when we fell in love, that we’re together. He left to go back to NH and I was so depressed. Things go off to a rocky start from the beginning as I suffer from GED (generalized anxiety disorder), frequent panic attacks and some of my stress response triggers are traveling, being away from my parents, and guys (of course). So needless to say when I told him about this, being the conqueror-type that he is pushed me into driving 14 hours up north with him to visit his home in NH the next time he drove to down to visit me. My parents loved him and trusted him to take care of me. Let’s just say my GED and panic attacks were a lot stronger than he had anticipated. The entire ride up I had anxiety.. 11 hours of puking and racing thoughts and waves of uncontrollable nausea. Long story short he helped me through my panic attacks and manage my triggers when it came to travel. It took him about a week to nurse me back to health. Then I started smoking weed for my symptoms Bc he smoked and wanted to see if it helped. It did. I smoked every day for 6 months straight when I was with him. Everything was going great and I spent nearly two months up there. We went back and forth from NC a few times to visit my family and each time it got harder and harder to say goodbye. It’s like my body was physically ill at the thought of going back up north with my bf and leaving my family. The anxiety on the way back up wasn’t as bad but still took its toll. Randomly one night we were staying with my family he woke me up to tell me he had cheated on me after he went home that first week he visited. I was devastated.. hindsight I should’ve ended it there but the situation was complicated and I had little to no time to decide if I wanted him to leave and go 14 hours back up north or stay, lie to everyone, act like everything is ok and work it out. I chose to work it out. But looking back it’s like after he told me, I was constantly consoling him every time I would want to talk about it. As our relationship got more intense we made plans for forever. We wanted to move to this specific city at the end of the year. It didn’t end up working out and I ended up kind of moving up north with him. Which was a HUGE step for my GED. I clearly wasn’t ready but he felt like since he had put in so much work and time and effort into helping me with my GED, that I should be ok and he deserved to have me stay. Let’s just say my anxiety became a lot harder to manage after he told me about the cheating.. I didn’t trust him! I was constantly worried about him around other women. I saw red flags in him, but I thought I was emotionally intelligent enough to help him because almost all of the red flags were from lack of life experience. But now I can see it wasn’t healthy. I was so dependent on him for my anxiety, and constantly tiptoeing around his emotions. If he had one thing bad happen it would ruin his mood all day. HE NEVER LAYED A HAND ON ME! But it feels like he raped my mind. I decided to leave a couple days ago and let’s just say worst week of my life. He wanted to go on this ski trip to Colorado on New Years which I wasn’t comfortable going on without more progress managing my GED. Plus it was originally supposed to be him and two or three guy friends but now it’s 10 people I don’t know in a house with couples and girls and guys. He was bummed I couldn’t go, but then I realized I didn’t want him to go. I didn’t trust him around other women.. I had only found out about the cheating 2.5 months ago, and what was I gonna do for New Years? When I said this he basically threw a tantrum and pity party until I was so incredibly miserable I finally gave in and just said fuck it, go! Then he snapped right back to the amazing caretaker I was used to. I was so dissatisfied and knew how unfair this all was. That snowballed into me deciding to leave for an indefinite amount of time, with all of my things. After I told him my dad was coming up to pack me up and fly me home, he pretty much lost it. We were miserable for three days straight until my dad got there. And I mean PANIC ATTACK AFTER PANIC ATTACK. no food for four days, (I have never had an eating disorder my appetite comes and goes with symptoms) barely any water, just smoking myself to sleep and taking a Xanax as needed with my anxiety symptoms. It was horrible. He just made me feel guilty for my decision. I credited my decision to not being able to manage my anxiety well enough now and I need a break from it. It was a really really sad goodbye. But now after doing it and leaving I feel so strange. I’m sad obviously because I miss my best friend and the person I just spent the past 6 months with, but there are some very new feelings as well. I’m having trouble being on my own a little, or I just feel weird on my own. I know that’s normal, but I feel like I have new triggers Bc of the relationship. And I’m constantly unsure of myself, constantly apologizing for everything, and depressed as shit obviously. I feel like the more i look back, the more mental abuse I see, and the more tangled my emotions and brain get. I’ve always been fiercely independent, never one to stay in long term relationships or depend on anyone other than my parents so this is all new to me. Our relationship was so intense with so many obstacles and I know he felt the bumps like me. I see exactly why he behaves the way he behaves and where it comes from. His past is complicated, as anyone’s is. It’s like I knew something was wrong, and I knew I was being mentally abused, I just didn’t know how much. Here were some things he has said to me that stuck out. Please keep in mind I don’t want to trash talk him I’m pretty fragile, just want to talk about the abuse aspect. Anyways I’m back with my parents, in an area where I don’t have many friends, but I’ve been calling and FaceTiming them every day and have a great support system. Will also be looking for a therapist for many reasons. Also I didn’t leave him for lack of love... theres still plenty of love for him in my heart and I’ll always only want the best for him. It’s horrible because apart from these things I’m about to say, he was just right for me. And I don’t think he was ever conscious of the fact he was abusing me.
“Always something with you” “All you do is complain all day” “You won’t fit into my cousins pants she’s a twig” “Your parents have brainwashed you” All things similar to this. Also constant micromanaging and criticizing. He was bossy, dominant, ya know toxic masculinity and all that. But also well read, well traveled, kind, intelligent, funny, and adventurous.
I have accomplished SO much in this relationship I can’t regret it. I helped him through a lot too, and could never part with him in distain.
Alright Reddit do your thing..
submitted by cocksparkles to dating_advice [link] [comments]


2020.09.17 08:23 biggieraptors College depression (this is pretty long...but I need to get it off my chest)

I just started college. I’m from Colorado, and moved all the way out to hawaii with my girlfriend to go to a university over here. Needless to say, the dream that we had about this place in sophomore year has been fucking destroyed by covid - and with it, I feel like my mental has as well.
I was (and truly still do try to be) a very healthy person and was on a very strong streak before I left for college. I am a kinesiology and exercise science major and I plan to be a physical therapist and personal trainer in the future, so I take health and exercise very seriously. Back at home, while the gym was closed I bought myself a bunch of equipment that kept me working out 7 days a week and then when the gym reopened I went back to 6 days a week. At 5’8, 145-150 lbs, I struggle with weight gain and have my whole life. I’ll talk about this later in the post. Anyways, exercise was my fucking everything. No matter what I was doing that day, I had to go to the gym and get my push, pull, or lower body workout in. It would destroy my mood if I didn’t. If I wasn’t there, I was with my girlfriend who is my best friend in the entire world and the only person I can confide with anything and one of three people I can feel 100% myself with. We’ve been fighting a bit lately but because we essentially are roommates (I’ve pretty much moved into her dorm; we push the beds together) we spend 24/7 with each other, so it’s a given. Me and her have been dating for almost 3 years now, and we’ve spent almost every single day of those 3 years together...I don’t regret one minute of it. Without her, I genuinely think I’d be dead.
I also had my two best friends back in Colorado. I’ve known one of them since kindergarten, and the other since like 2nd grade. We hung out regularly and it really felt good because for one, it obviously gets a little tiring to be with a girl all the time when you just want to release some testosterone, talk sports and video games, etc. Those guys are lifelong friends, and, again, without them I really believe I’d be dead. The other friends I had in high school left me for dead when I reached a .38% BAC spring break of my freshman year - so, needless to say, my 2 friends were all I had other than my girlfriend. My family has never been close to me and have always favored my older sister, so I was very close with my girlfriends very extensive family, but, again, she has two sisters, a single mother, and the majority of her family are women...I needed my 2 best friends to feel like a man, if you get what I mean. Anyways, one of my friends ended up going to Miami, and one of them went to Boulder, so, we’re 3000-6000 miles apart from each other. It fucking sucks. We still have groupchats and send memes and talk every day...but it’s not the same.
When I got here, I was expecting the absolute best. It’s hawaii. Paradise. Beaches, hikes everyday - that’s what I thought when I got here. I was very quickly proven wrong. COVID is really bad on Oahu, so we had to do a 14 day stay-on-campus quarantine. I had gone to the gym the day before I left Colorado, so I was itching to get back and not fall off my rhythm. I shipped all my supplements with me and some resistance bands, an ab rollout wheel, a yoga mat, and a couple other small things to get a workout in, but to this day, I have only used the yoga mat once. The gym was open for the last 2 days of my bubble quarantine, but I was obviously not allowed to go to it because of the quarantine rules. The only thing I was thinking of was being able to get out of the quarantine and step in the gym, feel some sense of familiarity to home. The day I got out of my quarantine, all gyms around honolulu closed. That was on September 1st. It’s been a month since I have truly worked out. I feel like I’m losing my fucking mind, and I have 0 motivation to do bodyweight workouts or use my equipment.
Remember how I said I was going to talk about weight gain later in my post? I go to the gym because I have super fucking severe BDD. I can’t look at myself in the mirror, I’ve had literal panic attacks doing it. When I go to the bathroom, I don’t take my glasses so I can’t see myself clearly if I accidentally look in the mirror. I’ve been pretty skinny my whole life and although I know I’ve gained a lot of muscle (but, because of the BDD, I can’t really comprehend how much I actually have) I still feel like I’m a fucking twig. I’ve spent days of my life crying over this, wanting to kill myself because I think it won’t get better, and I was forcing myself in the gym to change that. People at work back home would always call me swole and stuff like that, which would always boost my mood, and my friends and girlfriend would repeat those remarks...but my brain just can’t accept it. I’m 5’8, varying from 145-150 lbs. I feel like I look like a child, and now that I’m going to the beach out here regularly, I have to take my shirt off and fucking hate having to look at myself, and realize others are looking at me. I feel so skinny. I can’t go to the gym, covid gets worse here every day and it probably won’t open anytime soon. I feel like I’m not eating enough because of the fucking god awful workload from college, and I’m avidly trying to eat. I feel like I’m losing muscle mass, I feel like I’m getting skinnier and I already felt skinny. I haven’t been happy since the day I’ve gotten here...I’ve genuinely been at the lowest point of my entire life. A kinesiology major is 5’8, probably weighs 145 lbs, and hasn’t gone to the gym in months. Oh, and I also have really bad anterior pelvic tilt, lower back pain (worked at a tire shop for two years), and really bad rounded shoulders. My upper back muscles are really developed and my lower back muscles are not, giving me a thin waist (I wear a size 29) and leading to a large curvature of my back (this condition is called kyphosis, which, I refuse to look up because I don’t want to know if I have that on top of all my other fucking problems. Online learning makes these postural connected issues so, so much worse. My upper back (scapular area) is so fucking tight all the time, my rounded shoulders are super fucking tight and if I push on them they are in agonizing pain. I don’t know what to do about all this. I’ve watched hundreds of YouTube videos and very little has helped, one routine that I do negates the other one. I can’t afford a physical therapist, or a trainer. This is what a guy who was working out 6 days a week has negated to.
I have no friends other than my girlfriend here. I’m a pretty shy person and because of that thing I mentioned about my friends leaving me for dead, I’ve been extremely cynical of people since then. I had “work friends” at work only, but the only people I truly trusted were my girlfriend and two best friends. I don’t want to go out and make friends based on what I’ve seen of the people here, but I feel lonely. Again, if I didn’t have my girlfriend, I don’t know where I’d be.
With all of these issues, missing home, missing my friends, missing my dog, the college workload and the fact that with online school I’m essentially teaching myself, I have never been in a darker place my entire life. I’ve echoed this to my friends, who have easily made friends at their colleges and are having great times, and I’ve echoed this to my girlfriend, and they both told me to find a therapist. I’m 18. I’m a broke college student. My parents aren’t gonna pay for therapy. I’m making this because I need to get this off my chest. I don’t know what to do. I would never hurt myself, but I feel so fucking terrible every day. There’s so much more I could say...but this is what it’s been so far. I want to be home so bad. I wish I was a fucking kid again. I probably won’t come back here next semester...but how the fuck do I do this for another 3 months.
submitted by biggieraptors to depressed [link] [comments]


2020.09.17 08:00 biggieraptors College depression

I just started college. I’m from Colorado, and moved all the way out to hawaii with my girlfriend to go to a university over here. Needless to say, the dream that we had about this place in sophomore year has been fucking destroyed by covid - and with it, I feel like my mental has as well.
I was (and truly still do try to be) a very healthy person and was on a very strong streak before I left for college. I am a kinesiology and exercise science major and I plan to be a physical therapist and personal trainer in the future, so I take health and exercise very seriously. Back at home, while the gym was closed I bought myself a bunch of equipment that kept me working out 7 days a week and then when the gym reopened I went back to 6 days a week. At 5’8, 145-150 lbs, I struggle with weight gain and have my whole life. I’ll talk about this later in the post. Anyways, exercise was my fucking everything. No matter what I was doing that day, I had to go to the gym and get my push, pull, or lower body workout in. It would destroy my mood if I didn’t. If I wasn’t there, I was with my girlfriend who is my best friend in the entire world and the only person I can confide with anything and one of three people I can feel 100% myself with. We’ve been fighting a bit lately but because we essentially are roommates (I’ve pretty much moved into her dorm; we push the beds together) we spend 24/7 with each other, so it’s a given. Me and her have been dating for almost 3 years now, and we’ve spent almost every single day of those 3 years together...I don’t regret one minute of it. Without her, I genuinely think I’d be dead.
I also had my two best friends back in Colorado. I’ve known one of them since kindergarten, and the other since like 2nd grade. We hung out regularly and it really felt good because for one, it obviously gets a little tiring to be with a girl all the time when you just want to release some testosterone, talk sports and video games, etc. Those guys are lifelong friends, and, again, without them I really believe I’d be dead. The other friends I had in high school left me for dead when I reached a .38% BAC spring break of my freshman year - so, needless to say, my 2 friends were all I had other than my girlfriend. My family has never been close to me and have always favored my older sister, so I was very close with my girlfriends very extensive family, but, again, she has two sisters, a single mother, and the majority of her family are women...I needed my 2 best friends to feel like a man, if you get what I mean. Anyways, one of my friends ended up going to Miami, and one of them went to Boulder, so, we’re 3000-6000 miles apart from each other. It fucking sucks. We still have groupchats and send memes and talk every day...but it’s not the same.
When I got here, I was expecting the absolute best. It’s hawaii. Paradise. Beaches, hikes everyday - that’s what I thought when I got here. I was very quickly proven wrong. COVID is really bad on Oahu, so we had to do a 14 day stay-on-campus quarantine. I had gone to the gym the day before I left Colorado, so I was itching to get back and not fall off my rhythm. I shipped all my supplements with me and some resistance bands, an ab rollout wheel, a yoga mat, and a couple other small things to get a workout in, but to this day, I have only used the yoga mat once. The gym was open for the last 2 days of my bubble quarantine, but I was obviously not allowed to go to it because of the quarantine rules. The only thing I was thinking of was being able to get out of the quarantine and step in the gym, feel some sense of familiarity to home. The day I got out of my quarantine, all gyms around honolulu closed. That was on September 1st. It’s been a month since I have truly worked out. I feel like I’m losing my fucking mind, and I have 0 motivation to do bodyweight workouts or use my equipment.
Remember how I said I was going to talk about weight gain later in my post? I go to the gym because I have super fucking severe BDD. I can’t look at myself in the mirror, I’ve had literal panic attacks doing it. When I go to the bathroom, I don’t take my glasses so I can’t see myself clearly if I accidentally look in the mirror. I’ve been pretty skinny my whole life and although I know I’ve gained a lot of muscle (but, because of the BDD, I can’t really comprehend how much I actually have) I still feel like I’m a fucking twig. I’ve spent days of my life crying over this, wanting to kill myself because I think it won’t get better, and I was forcing myself in the gym to change that. People at work back home would always call me swole and stuff like that, which would always boost my mood, and my friends and girlfriend would repeat those remarks...but my brain just can’t accept it. I’m 5’8, varying from 145-150 lbs. I feel like I look like a child, and now that I’m going to the beach out here regularly, I have to take my shirt off and fucking hate having to look at myself, and realize others are looking at me. I feel so skinny. I can’t go to the gym, covid gets worse here every day and it probably won’t open anytime soon. I feel like I’m not eating enough because of the fucking god awful workload from college, and I’m avidly trying to eat. I feel like I’m losing muscle mass, I feel like I’m getting skinnier and I already felt skinny. I haven’t been happy since the day I’ve gotten here...I’ve genuinely been at the lowest point of my entire life. A kinesiology major is 5’8, probably weighs 145 lbs, and hasn’t gone to the gym in months. Oh, and I also have really bad anterior pelvic tilt, lower back pain (worked at a tire shop for two years), and really bad rounded shoulders. My upper back muscles are really developed and my lower back muscles are not, giving me a thin waist (I wear a size 29) and leading to a large curvature of my back (this condition is called kyphosis, which, I refuse to look up because I don’t want to know if I have that on top of all my other fucking problems. Online learning makes these postural connected issues so, so much worse. My upper back (scapular area) is so fucking tight all the time, my rounded shoulders are super fucking tight and if I push on them they are in agonizing pain. I don’t know what to do about all this. I’ve watched hundreds of YouTube videos and very little has helped, one routine that I do negates the other one. I can’t afford a physical therapist, or a trainer. This is what a guy who was working out 6 days a week has negated to.
I have no friends other than my girlfriend here. I’m a pretty shy person and because of that thing I mentioned about my friends leaving me for dead, I’ve been extremely cynical of people since then. I had “work friends” at work only, but the only people I truly trusted were my girlfriend and two best friends. I don’t want to go out and make friends based on what I’ve seen of the people here, but I feel lonely. Again, if I didn’t have my girlfriend, I don’t know where I’d be.
With all of these issues, missing home, missing my friends, missing my dog, the college workload and the fact that with online school I’m essentially teaching myself, I have never been in a darker place my entire life. I’ve echoed this to my friends, who have easily made friends at their colleges and are having great times, and I’ve echoed this to my girlfriend, and they both told me to find a therapist. I’m 18. I’m a broke college student. My parents aren’t gonna pay for therapy. I’m making this because I need to get this off my chest. I don’t know what to do. I would never hurt myself, but I feel so fucking terrible every day. There’s so much more I could say...but this is what it’s been so far. I want to be home so bad. I wish I was a fucking kid again. I probably won’t come back here next semester...but how the fuck do I do this for another 3 months.
submitted by biggieraptors to depression [link] [comments]


2020.09.17 07:26 Nauseam44 My friends of multiple years chose the girl I loved over me. [27m]

Me [27m ] has been betrayed and abandoned by my entire friend circle and girl I loved.
This year has tested me beyond words. I am exhausted. I have lost all my friends.
I have a small circle of friend. Most of which are in my band, or were..
My best friend of 10 years has betrayed and abandoned me. He introduced me to a friend from his work and we really hit it off. We all hung out for months and had fun, at a certain point she and I started hanging out alone and soon developed feelings. She was always so hot and cold though. She would say all of these very specific things, would make comments and gestures that absolutely showed her feelings. She would often share that she would be interesting in being with me, then would completely flip and ignore me for days.
In July we crossed a line, we went to a cider cade, and were sitting in my car after. Had a wonderful night and she asked if she could do something. She leaned in and kissed me. She made the first move, because knowing the situation, l didn’t want to cross that line unless she was absolutely ready. I wanted something serious with her and I made that abundantly clear. After making out in my car, she invited me over. We had sex that night, and afterwards she broke down crying over another man. One who she has had a toxic relationship with for three years now. He’s married, has a family, and they would sneak around and get hotel rooms and spend time together, all while spending time with me as well, all while entertaining the possibility of wanting to be with me. I sat there. Listening to her cry and explain how broken she is. How she can’t commit to anyone and how she loves this guy. How being with me was just an excuse to feel love, because this guy would ignore her for months, only coming around when he needed her. I filled a void he couldn’t offer her. I sat there. Embarrassed and humiliated. The next day our friend circle was supposed to have a game night. I spent the whole day trying to get ahold of her, so we could talk about what happened, instead she ignored me and went and spilled everything to our mutual friend (10 year friend). I know this because he told me at the end of the night after she left. She wouldn’t even look at me. Wouldn’t talk to me. It killed me. My friend also has a big mouth and now has told the entire friend circle. I was upset, ashamed, embarrassed because I loved her. Everyone knew this.
I made it abundantly clear that I was upset and hurt. That I didn’t appreciate her going to this friend and sharing what personal thing happened between us, when she had been saying for months that if this friend knew our business, it would never work. It was so hypocritical. This friend also kept playing the card of, I don’t want to be in the middle, yet he was always asking and being in the middle. He could have removed himself from the conversation. He absolutely could have. So I called him out on it. I was holding these people accountable for these actions.
Fast forward to today, I hadn’t heard from anyone in months. Everyone kept saying I was being irrational for being hurt and upset. Everyone avoided me and wouldn’t even reach out. I’ve tried, and no one, not a single friend in that circle has replied or even been here for me when I clearly asked for some help. I have some depression and self-worth issues. Today I saw a post on Instagram I wish I didn’t see. My other friend from the circle, one who was in my band, is now dating this girl. So my best friend of 10 years, his boyfriend, this other friend and her went on this trip to Colorado and are taking photos of them all over each other. I have never been so upset and hurt in my life. I feel sick.
These people I cared about. Spend years with. Just moved on without me. This friend who recently went through a breakup with his fiancé is now dating the girl who, he knew, I loved. One he was constantly talking down on because of the way she treated me. Now he’s dating her... I can’t even express the amount of pain I’m in. Each day is just getting harder and harder. I don’t know what to do.
Am I irrational here? Am I being unreasonable?
tl:dr I finally crossed a line with the girl I loved, and she broke down crying over a married man she’s been seeing secretly for years. My friend circle gets involved, I’m humiliated and express my feelings, and everyone abandons and ignored me for months. Then today I see that my other friend who talked down on her for the way she treated me for months is now dating her.
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2020.09.16 23:42 Wehack I didn’t know a train full of devastation was headed towards me.

So,i am very very late to this but i recently started watching the office for the very first time.I had heard about it for so long but never gave it a chance until now and i am so mad at me for being such a fool and not knowing what i was missing..
Anyways ,So i am full on binge mode and i am at the speed of at least one season every 2-3 days.. So i reach season 7 and get really happy that holly is back and they are dating and everything..I start to notice that the writers are really speeding through their relationship and the engagement episode was one of my favourite ones.So by this time i know that Michael is leaving for Colorado and i feel ok,no big deal,he might be taking a small break and will definitely be back in season 8.At this time,i hadn’t really searched anything on the internet about the show because i didn’t want any spoilers.So i watch “Goodbye Michael” episode and i just watched it like any other episode but with a very strange feeling in my heart.I was still dead-set on my point that there is no way Michael is not coming back..it just couldn’t be possible.. It was only after i started the next episode that it just hit me that they removed him from the intro and i was devastated..I immediately went on the internet and found that my fear was true and it was the end and that he only just returns for the finale and that too just for a few lines..At this point i just straight up watched the goodbye michael episode again bawling my eyes out..
I just cannot believe how i have to continue the show without Steve Carell and almost feel like giving up and just watching the finale..
Anyways if i end up pushing though the show,it will probably just to watch mostly Erin because i absolutely adore her and to reach the final episodes as i heard that they wrapped it up quite good.
Sorry if the post had gone long,i just wanted to vent my feelings...
submitted by Wehack to DunderMifflin [link] [comments]


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